THE AFRICAN MAN AND HIS PERCEPTIONS: DO MEN STILL THINK THIS WAY?

The average african man has a lot of perception about what the 'concept woman' and 'being a woman' stand for. Quite a number have battled with so many perceptions. This perceptions are many but  I will attempt to explore some here. However, as you look at them or into them on your own, you may find much more. The average African man believes the woman as his wife is no guarantee for equality in the home. You will agree with me that most times when the african man talks, he refers to the house they both live as 'my house' and not our house. Of course he is the man.  You and I may agree that we live in this age where the woman also  believe that in the home, the rights and privileges should be fifty/ fifty. Why not? Is she not a major contributor to the home? In today's world, the woman contributes as much as the man in most home and in some, she is the bread winner a situation that is far from normal and goes against the way nature intends things to be. But for the economy and difficult life situation  due to leadership waste and mismanagement issues like this have come to stay in some homes. However, there are  african men who will never allow the woman contribute a dime in the home because they don't want any woman claiming equal right with them. For this men, there can only be one captain and that is them. According to this men, equality should not even exist in the imagination of the woman let alone in the home. Whether this is true or not, I will not make an issue here as that will stand for another day. However, I will leave you to ponder on that. Is the man and the woman equal in a marriage?  do men still think this way?Another perception the average African man has about the woman is that the woman is an object and a tool. Did I just say that? Yes I just did. A man once told the wife right in my presence  during a disagreement 'I bought you with my money, so you must listen to me' I was shock to my bone marrow. The only question I could ask my self is, joseph what are you doing here? I was actually there because some one recommended me to them since the were having some issues which seemed irreconcilable according to them.  For this kind of man, he bought the woman when he  paid the bride prize. For this kind of man, the woman is a tool to be used. She is seen as an object. I am referring to a very educated woman with

THE JOURNEY OF LIFE: A CASE FOR KNOWLEDGE AND FRIENDSHIP.

Some one has argued that where you get to in life is dependent on two factors. These factors include;

1. The kind of books you read

2. The kind of friends you keep.

The kind of books you read because they will stir up your knowledge, Keep you informed, Provide for you inspiration to guide you. A man without information can only be said to be a deformed man. Even God said my people perish for lack of knowledge. Knowledge is power. Information is true education and who ever fails to acknowledge the place of education should himself try ignorance. Information is power and a man with power can do and undo. Knowledge is key to resolving lives issues. If you lack knowledge, you are truly deformed. Some one has argued that if you want to hide something from the Nigeria Man, put it inside a book. Most people don't read. Little wonder it is said that the man who does not read has no advantage over the man who can not read. This is because,  what is the use of the ability to read if you don't read books? Of what use is that ability to you? The difference between you and that man who has gone ahead is knowledge. He knows what you don't know and so he can see what you don't see. Of course, many  are the eyes that look but few, in fact very few are the ones that see. The only man who can see is the one with the knowledge of what is seen. How many opportunity pass you by on a daily basis because you don't see them?  I challenge you to read books and keep reading. If you don't want to buy books, go to the internet and read free books. No knowledge is lost. Knowledge is key. The truth is my generation claim to be too busy to read when the truth is that we are too lazy to read. Many who claim to be busy are not too busy to play games even on their phones for hours. The question to ask is, which book are you currently reading and why?

The second point follows the first. The books will give you the knowledge, but your friends can provide the platform for you to practice that knowledge or simply kill that knowledge for you. The kind of friends you keep is important. There are some friendship you have in your life today that you don't

FAKE LIFE: THE QUEST FOR UN MERITED ATTENTION

We live in a generation where many cry out for attention with fake lives. Many will do any thing just to draw attention to themselves. A number of people will do any thing and every thing just so they can get and gain attention. At a gathering, many will keep telling stories all to impress and gain attention to themselves. Quite a number of them end up living fake lives and I see, like you do,  a lot of this on a daily basis.

Attitude which lead to people living fake lives begin even from the home. Parents lie a lot just to impress their children. For example, a man was in a gathering when some one brought live chiken for sale. People began to show interest and in order not to look like the odd one out, the man  know that if he gets  chicken this week end, it will leave a lot of hole in his  pocket and create trouble for him,  but just because his friend bought chicken for his family, he also decided to buy also. However,  his wife and kids know that for him to have bought that chicken, he did it just to impress. The children grow up with the same mentality which is that of living fake lives just to impress.

 Today many people use blackberry. I don't have an issue with that. What I do have an issue with is when I see one person using three blackberry devices like they are using nokia 3310. Knowing that the blackberry is not just a phone but a device, and that the blackberry is a push email facility by virtue of its main function and not just for making phone calls, I wonder what people do with three blackberry devices if not to impress. People drink and smoke because others are doing it not because they want to. People dress in certain ways because others are doing it. They talk in certain ways also because others are. what will we not see?

A man wants to get married, He has no money for an elaborate wedding but he would rather

TAKING THE BEDROOM TO THE BEER PARLOR OR SALOON: A MARRIAGE KILLER

People marry for different reasons. Some marry for good reasons. Others for bad reason while some marry for the ugliest reasons. Did I say the ugliest reasons? Yes the ugliest. So, in every marriage, we have the good, the bad and the ugly. By now , you should  know where to place yours or that of your brother or even friend based on what you may have seen, head or observed.

Love is sweet especially when it is in its infancy. Every marriage no matter the years of courtship is like a new born baby and must be treated as such. Remember when love is sweet? When you were courting? Or in the early stage? You head stuffs  like Its amazing how you knock me off my feet. Any time you come around me I can't wait. No body ever made me feel this way. I want to know what makes you cry. Those are some lyrics from joe's song.  How many men and women can relate to this feeling while courting or for those who did not court, before they got married. Those days showed that Love is real right? But some how the story is different today in many marriages. Sad right?

People get married and things change over night. Some times, the amazing thing is how very fast this changes take place.  Most times, in marriages love never grow instead it stays stagnant until it begins to die. Why? People  only marry for feelings  and not for love or to take it a step further to friendship. Our relationship will begin with attraction, but it must grow into love and we must build that love to the level of friendship. At the level of friendship, nothing can break it with prayer and God on your side. Why will God not be on your side if you can pray. That is why Abraham was called the friend of God. Friendship is important. Your friend is the one you want to share any thing with. I mean, any thing and every thing. Most relationship and marriages never get here and that accounts for why the divorce rate increases and irreconcilable differences is all we here. Issues will come up in every marriage. couples must learn to communicate but rather than communicate, they create a distance of non communication. In a bit to find some form of external consolation or pity, they  take it to the beer parlor and saloon. Did I just say that? Yes I just did.

It is a case of once upon a time that women gossip. Today, may be men gossip more. Only this time, they call it men talk and not gossip since gossip for such men can only proceed from the lips of a woman. Either way, I sincerely don't have much of an issue with the men talk or women 'gossip' as people are free to discuss what ever they want, when ever they want, where ever they want and however they want. Talk is cheap and people are free to talk because there is no bill attached to it. I do have a problem with some kind of talk though. I refer to those talk that turns what ought to be a bed room discussion into a beer parlor talk or saloon chat.

Why do people feel comfortable discussing their wife or husband at a beer parlor or saloon? And when you listen to them, they talk uncontrollably. For the men, the beer has become the Holy Spirit in them. For the women, the drier or is it the human hair they buy this days. At such places, you never hear talks on business and how to make good money or grow their life. Rather ,you hear talks that drag their partners down in the presence of people. Some times men will talk to the point were they tell friends, in an open beer parlor that they can't make love to their wife because 'that place' is now too wide. They claim not to feel it any more .They say stuffs like, she can't  cook well, she does not look attractive any more, her tommy is now too big, she now ties rapper all the time, she's  no longer a chick but mama, even her pant smells etc. Don't  those things sound disgusting to you? Things that ought not to be a public discussion? Some people have lost all sense of dignity and shame.

To add to the above, the women are not left out. They  openly speak also like a pastor vibrating from the pulpit. You hear stuffs like; He no longer come home early. His clothes are always smelling. He snores like a goat. He is not good in bed any more. He is always broke. During love making, I never come. He does not even last during love making. His duty is to shout all the time etc this talk go on and on and people are listening and laughing. Why will that marriage last?

Men and woman bring to the beer parlor and saloon issues they should trash in their bed room and not even in their seating room let alone a beer parlor, club or saloon. They talk   about this things with reckless abandon thinking that those they are talking to are sympathizers or that they look at them with respect for being the Man or the woman. I wish you knew because They are not and can never be. In most cases, they laugh at you. Yes, they laugh at you. They mock you on the inside and mock you also in your absence. They call you foolish and senseless for acting and talking like a child. The difference is, you never get to hear it. Those you tell such story today will mock you with them tomorrow.

Hey, keep issues about your home in your home and Not the beer parlor or saloon. Remember this is the woman or man you once professed love to.  I hear some of you even say things like; God punish love!  abi na love I go chop? To people who behave in this manner I say this, most times when you tell a child to grow up, you are the one who truly need to grow up. Communication must be kept open in the home. Don't discuss your spouse outside. Remember that when the day of pain come, the only one who is always truly there is that one whom you make a topic of derogatory discussion at the beer parlor or that saloon. Wise people learn from the mistake of others and not until it happens to them. The wise also know when a word is enough. I will let you take it from here.

IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES: A CELEBRITY 'GOSPEL'

The idea of being termed a celebrity presupposes the fact that you have affected lives by what you do either by way of being a musician, actor, sport man or woman etc and not otherwise.

Again, the idea places on you some  level of social or societal responsibility which makes you a role model in society. Little wonder you become a headliner once any of the gossip magazines discover any thing about you especially When it appears as some thing negative.

Being a celebrity also means you are seen as one who sets standard. Little wonder you begin to find individuals who want to walk like you, talk like you, make your kind of hair, dress like you, look like you, or even eat like you.

In a way therefore, while the celebrity is out there doing his own thing, enjoying his or her own life, society always fail to separate their professional life from their personal life. This is why people get disappointed when they do the unexpected placing on them the tag 'invincible' when they are not.

I love celebrities and I do not have any issue or issues with them maintaining their personal lives. Where I do have issues is when a celebrity wants to make what should be a personal issue a public one.  Or come to the public  and glorify failure with pride.

One wonders what goes through the mind of many of them  before they get married. Is the expression of physical passion all they see. Is that why they marry? Today, they marry and divorce like a reverend fathers who changes wears after celebrating the mass. They walk in and out of marriages as if they created that institution and they can recreate it however they like and when ever they like. Many live very stupid life styles. Life styles they ought to be very ashamed of.

The rate of divorce in the celebrity circle is indeed very alarming and this is robbing off on society as many have followed in their footsteps. People now divorce over the flimsiest of excuses. This excuses include;

* We no longer like each other
* we disagree on so many things
* he or she is selfish
* I am no longer attracted to her
* we can no longer cope
* she does not want babies and I do
* He is never at home
* he lies too much.
* he drinks alcohol too much
* I asked him to choose between me and his female friends
* we are like two captains flying these plane
* we discovered that we belong to two separate world.
* he is too proud
* we are no longer compatible.
The list is endless.

When a being takes a marriage vow, they say its for better for worse. For better for worse because marriage is not all about being together only when things are better. Its not only when you agree. The best of marriages are not those ones without issues. In truth, if you don't face issues in your marriage, it only means both of you are merely pretending. Every marriage will go through its own fire so that it can be purified. Gold does not become what it is today by being thrown into water. Every marriage will have its own deep water to pass through. Stop killing the issues you would have turned into a testimony on the altar of pride, greed, self and lose of focus only to call it irreconcilable differences. What is irreconcilable about it? If you have failed, please say I failed. Why will issues be irreconcilable when forgiveness is one of the hallmark of a successful marriage. Its not like you discovered after marriage that the guy is impotent!

The Americans should come and learn from Africans. The Africans who are importing this stupid divorce culture here should concentrate their energy on making our world better and not destroy it. When two elephants fight, only the grass suffer. The children are in most cases the victims of this shameful act. They will be with mother from monday to friday in new york, then visit their father saturday to sunday in new jersey.
The same thing applies all over. The children become in many cases product of negativity because of failed marriages. When will humanity learn?

My challenge to my generation is simple,  look at those celebrities who made their marriages work and not those who preach the 'gospel' of irreconcilable differences. Olu jacob is still married to joke sylva. The man does not even care if she still answers her fathers name in public. Many abound like that across the country. Learn from them. Look at the bright side of life. Pick the good things and not the negatives from our celebrities. I do not believe in irreconcilable differences as every divorce is at bottom the out come of pride, greed, selfishness and poor sense of judgment.

It pays not to begin a journey you cannot end. Love is patient, kind, forgiving, does not keep a record of wrongs, its not proud. If you know this, what will be irreconcilable about your differences. People should bury their head in shame rather than glorify evil. Divorce is evil. Its consequences are damaging. Marry for the right reasons and stop making your failure a model for society.

You can take it from here.

SEE BELOW FOR THE TWITTER ACCOUNT CHAT OF THE COUPLE WITH THE WORLDS LONGEST MARRIAGE..YOU CAN DO IT


World's Longest Married Couple Has the Secret to Lasting Love

Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher
Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher have had what may very well be the best reason to be on the books at Guinness World Records: The North Carolina couple went down in history for having the longest marriage. For 86 years, 9 months, and 16 days. That’s eighty and a six. Years. That’s a lot of laundry, dinners, dishes, and—goodness gracious—bills. A lot of learning how to kiss and make up and enjoy each other and be a partner. Granted, they got hitched back in 1924, when folks stayed together out of a sense of duty as much as they did for love. But what an inspiration, particularly because there are more folks treating divorce as flippantly as a high school breakup than there should be.

Mr. Fisher passed away in February at a remarkable 104 years old, leaving his 101-year-old wife for the first time in almost nine decades. But the precious pair with the priceless story shared some relationship advice for their admirers and marathon marriage wannabes to mill over. On Valentine’s Day a few years ago, they took to their Twitter page (yes, they have a Twitter page) to share their secret for building a long marriage.

More from The Stir: How to Keep Your Marriage Strong at Every Age

The secret is there is none, according to them. No a-ha discovery. You just have to be invested in it and make it work the way you need to make it work. Here’s a little of what they said:

What made you realize that you could spend the rest of your lives together? Were you scared at all?

H&Z: With each day that passed, our relationship was more solid and secure. Divorce was NEVER an option—or even a thought.

What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?

Zelmyra: Mine was just around the corner! He is never too far away, so keep the faith—when you meet him, you’ll know.

What are the most important attributes of a good spouse?

Zelmyra: A hard worker & good provider. The 1920s were hard, but Herbert wanted & provided the best for us. I married a good man!

At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?

H&Z: Remember marriage is not a contest—never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.

Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?

H&Z: The children are grown, so we talk more now. We can enjoy our time on the porch or our rocking chairs together.

More from The Stir: Gwyneth Paltrow's Love Advice Is Surprisingly Solid

But above all else, they said, you have to be willing to stick it out. Well, that’s obvious. I’m pretty sure Mr. Herbert plucked Ms. Zelmyra’s nerves somewhere along the line just as much as I’m certain that Ms. Zelmyra rubbed Mr. Herbert the wrong way in 86 years. That’s a mighty long time to know a person, much less to grow and cohabitate with them. But 5 kids, 10 grandkids, 9 great-grands, and one great-great grand later, they made it work and stick. That’s the program I’m trying to be on. So along with my grandparents, Wayman and Mildred Harris, my pastors, Revs. Harold and Kellie Hayes, and Cliff and Claire Huxtable, I’m adding the Fishers to my inspiration list.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how different couples operate their love, how they make it last, how they grow together, even through life’s changes and challenges. Last year, I interviewed Niecey Nash (who is cute as a button, by the way) before she strolled down the aisle, and she had one of the best pre-nuptial ideas I’ve ever heard. Instead of having the standard bachelor/bachelorette shindigs—and probably all of the drama that goes along with them—she and her fiancé decided to host a dinner party with couples who had been married 20, 30, 40 years.

I let her know, at the end of our conversation, that I would be stealing that idea when it comes time for me to be a bride. I’m willing to sit at the feet of any older person. They’re so full of hard-earned wisdom, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Which couples in your life give you relationship inspiration?

CULLED FROM the stir.cafe mom.com

WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

How many times do we see this happen? I hate to begin what ever I write with a question, but for those (like me) who play PS3, am sure you get to hear John Champion say that almost all the time when you make silly mistakes like balloon the ball over the bar. Also, you hear him say some thing like ' you don't give a player of his quality such a chance, he ill punish you, he ill punish any body' . Don't mind me as this is not PS3 but I remember those two statements as I write this.

I have seen this happen severally, so forgive me as I write on it because it is not some thing entirely new. This is the issue- the guy and the Lady loves themselves ( at least so they claim) and they both have agreed to get married. The girl has a comfortable job as a manager in one of the top banks in the country. (Name withheld) She is also from a home where at the tapping of her finger, based on who the parents are, things will begin to flow for her. We say, she was born with not just a silver spoon but with a diamond spoon. On the other hand, the guy is from the lowest class in society. Not only did his parents struggle to put him through school, he had extra doses of suffering as far as life is concerned. Because he was brilliant and intelligent he made a 2/1 in school. He was posted to that bank where he met his wife to be for his nysc year. They dated and after his service year, he was not retained. The guy could not get a job by himself as all applications sent appear not to be yielding any thing. The girls father and mother did not support the relationship because of the boys background which obviously did not match with the class of the lady so they were not interested in helping the guy. However, they would not stop them should they decide to marry. The lady tells the guy, let us get married. For all you know, a job can come later. The most important thing is that we love each other. The boy wants a job first but since he had none at that time, he dint want to lose the lady who by the way was ready to keep them going until he got a job, the guy agreed. They got married and one year into the marriage no job yet.

In one word, the story of love began to change as the love which once stood as the bases of the relationship began to give way to some negative vices. The lady would keep men out side as man friends, hang out with them, come back late. They had no house keeper so the guy was the house keeper. Nagging started as the lady complained of the guy not being productive except to seat at home and watch tv. The statement 'can't you do some thing useful with your life became the daily anthem' Some times, the guy would beg the lady for money to get some where and she would say, what do you need it for, seat at home. Those who don't have money don't go visiting. The  friends no longer visit him because the girl had embarrassed them several times just because they drank wine in the house which the guy did not buy with his money. Events like this kept on into the second year of the marriage. At this point, two much frustration had set in and the marriage was heading for the rocks. The lady made a statement to the guy when the guy reminded her, our marriage is two years and six months today, when are we going to start having babies. The response he got was shocking. The lady said, babies? Which real woman want to have a baby for a man who can not feed himself let alone take care of a baby? She added, no real woman respects a man just because he said, I love you. Love is not words, its action. Grow up jide. That statement broke the guy and shattered his emotion finally. For the very first time, he got a real wake up call. He was reminded, that for a home to stand, a man, must be the man. He was reminded (may be) that love is not enough.

Those who know their bible well will soon tell me that the lady is stupid. Again, they will tell me that love is enough but the truth is that the lady never really love the guy. I mean, how could she treat him that way and say that to him? It is wicked! It is cruel ! She is a devil! Would she have acted that way if the guy had money? So many questions but very few answers. May be I agree with you and may be I don't. While I do not want to make the lady the subject of my discussion here, even though she was crucial to him, my focus will be the man. Let me talk to the men here.

Truthfully, how many times do we see that happen? Guy, you messed up big time. In my opinion, if you had done just one month apprenticeship with a warri guy you would have been smart. How can you seat at home for two and half years? How could you have even sat home for six months? Don't you have a brain? You abuse God my guy. Any way that is by the way.

Let me remind the man that there is so much more to marriage than the mere profession of love. Marriage I have argued in different places is not a hundred meter dash but a life marathon. I have head and seen enough in peoples lives to tell you that the mere profession of 'I love you' does not win the race. Get that  simple message fully registered inside you. Sleep and wake up with it daily. I love you does not put food on the table or pay the bills.

Another point to make is this, note that Adam was given the role of the Man not eve. God did not make a mistake. He made Adam the head and not the neck. Do not sell your 'role right' because of the mere profession of love, it does not flow and nature will frown at it. Be the Man and act the man that is what will honor God and Man. To fail here is to fail in all.

The third point I want to make is this, note that before God gave Adam a wife, He gave him employment. Not the other way round. He dint just give him a job, He employed him. He put him in charge of the garden. That is giving him financial freedom. Take charge was the word.  To have a job is to have some thing doing which keeps you J-ust O-ver B-roke (job) but to be gain fully employed is to have taken your finance to a point where you can do as occasion demands. When I say do as accession demands, I mean that if your wife and children wake up and say, daddy, we need to go to the US for summer holiday and you look at your bank account, you can comfortably say to yourself, no shaking. It means like Adam, you have taken charge of your finance. Not when you look at your bank account and it is not telling you the truth. What are we saying? I am not saying you should wait until you gain employment before you marry. All I am saying is, even if you have a job, be restless until you become employed. You are not employed until what you earn take you to that point where you are not afraid when it comes to spending because you will always have enough for every good course. Jesus said you will always have the poor in your midst. Am glad He did say you will be the poor. Be financially free. How can you achieve that? There are so many things you can do without quitting your job. Its called, making additional streams of income. Find out as many are doing it. My philosophy on job and finance has always being simple- No real man live by salary alone but also by every good business opportunity that comes his way. This opportunities pass by us on a daily basis. The issue is, we never see them because we have our mind on the cvs we have posted to different companies for new jobs for which we never even get a simple call for interviews. Again, when your mates in that company want to insult you, they will tell you to seat down and write a test after your over five years working experience. When will we be free? Who says its better out there just because you head stories? Believe me, I know it is better in some places but those places are like one to every hundred thousand Nigerians . Is that what you want to wait for? Wake up bro. Stop complaining and start looking and asking questions. Before God gave Adam a wife, He gave him employment not just a job so be reminded before you lose the point.

The fourth point I want to make is simple.  Should you run away when you see a lady who loves you but is made already? No, don't run away. No two story is the same. She may love you genuinely But, don't go in without a job or employment so be smart. You can get help from her and start some thing or if you  have a job already (a job) you can combine what you earn and what she earns to begin a family business and get some one to manage it no matter how small while you both keep your jobs. Even if it is a simple frozen food shop. Don't become the house boy by just seating down and fold your hands all the time. Nature will frown at that.

Point number five will be to say, love is patient and kind but is not foolish or stupid. Love endures but does not punish. it is punishment to leave your role for her. Love forgives, does not keep a record of wrongs  but don't abuse it. Just because that person forgives you always does not mean you should continue to tempt the person. Love is blind? No love can see and it will see when the chips are down. Love is beautiful but to say I love you and not live love is to misinterpret, misrepresent and misapply love.

In conclusion, to leave your role as the head of the house to your wife and to equally leave the financial role to her amounts to abuse and all you are doing is leading her into temptation. One day, she will get tired and she will fall. The bulk of the blame will be yours as the man. if you give the devil such a chance, he ill punish you just like he ill punish anybody. Remember that statement from john champion? So wake up!

I will let you take it from here.

THE MISTAKE PARENTS CALL TRAINING

I live in a generation where parental role has become that of both parent being bread winners. This is usually not the norm. In some cases, its not because the Man cannot take care of his family alone with what he makes in a month, but because several notable factors have come to register their presence without any sign of wanting to depart in a hurry.

The economy has become so bad that, for men who work, they are not sure of their income ever becoming enough for the home. This is because the children are expected to attend the best schools, this is usually a strong competition amongst neighbors and friends. People boast about their child or children attending the best school and without looking at their income, friends want to measure up. So many fake lives. Again,the family is expected to live in choice areas to d detriment of their bank account. Today, many want V.I, LEKKI, VGC, etc even when they know they can't afford it. The idea of also driving the best cars to measure up also ensures that both parent work to meet up. Fundamentally, both parents also work because most women of my generation cannot afford to seat tight and be tagged irrelevant. They want to be relevant. They want to be career women. Why not? Are women not president in some parts of the world?

To put it straight, all the above plus much more ( I say much more because there are so many other factors) militates against why one of the parents should stay home and keep and eye on the child or children. This has led to parents making mistakes with their children home training. Truthfully, the point I am about to make bother on a key issue but I will be brief.

In today's world, parents want to dictate everything to their children. They dictate to the point that they don't know where to draw the line. They tell the child what to wear and what not to wear. They choose the school the child will attend. In some cases, they even choose who becomes their friend or playmate. They micro manage their children to a point that, rather than building the child to grow up with an independent mind, the child grows up with a dependent mind. What is the difference?

The bible says, train up a child in the way he should go, when he grows up he will not depart from it. I believe so very much in that scripture. In truth ( parents hate to hear this one) what ever your child turn out to become is what you have directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously trained that child to become. Training is not just about what you have said, it is much more about what you did not say. Action speaks much louder than spoken words. So, some times, the result you get, is an offshoot of that which you did not do much more than that which you did.

Back to the point being made, when you dictate every thing for the child, the child ( except those ones rescued by special grace) grows up with a dependent mentality rather than an independent one. When this happens, and they find them selves in the midst of their peers, they have no say. They become what we call 'follow follow' their friends tell them what to do and they lack the very will power to say NO. Why? Because, just like they will not want to run out of favour with their parents, they will not want to lose their friends. Their parent have either weakened or deflated their will power or independent prowess by over dictating to them. Children in this category are those you see in today's Nigeria in the class of Aristo babes, cult or bad gang  in the universities. In most cases, they never joined because they wanted to. They did it because they were lured into it by friends.

Many who become Aristo babe never set out to become one. In truth, when many of them entered the university, they started by joining the right school fellowship or muslim group. Gradually, as they begin to settle in the hostel and in classes,they see things and the story begins to change. Children whose parents have been too busy to train them.  Children whose first sexual experience was with the house boy or house girl because the parents were not conscious become spoilt children without even their parents knowing. Right under the roof of their parent they smoke without their parents knowing. This children enter the university and become very wild even without their parents knowing. Before their parents, they are the best children but behind them, they are a moral terror to the world. This are the children they end up being friends with. This is because today's world has caged the parents so much so that they don't know what their children know. Most parents have not even thought of entering let alone enter where their children have entered.

In all this what am I saying? I am merely adding my voice to all that has been said about building the family. I am advocating for a neglected style of training which parents must adopt. I am saying, train up your child to develop an independent mind rather than a dependent one. Don't forget that ultimately, even as a parent, you are just a caretaker. The owner of that child is God. You can be taken away from that child at any time. Let the child start early ( parents must do this from the ages of not more than six because they would have started primary school at that stage) to learn. Begin with little things like what they wear. Ask the question, what do you want to wear? Go and bring it. When the child returns, you can ask, why do you want to wear this? Expect an answer. Request for one. If its a cold weather and the child want some thing light, request to know why rather than say you must put on a cardigan. Our body system is never the same. When you take the children for cloth shopping, ask them what they want and why they want that. The child may want it because that is what is in vogue or simply because its what the child wants. Demand an explanation. If its because its in vogue but indecent, that would be an opportunity to teach the child how to choose based on conviction and not based on what is in vogue. That which is in vogue may not be decent after all and without dictating, teach the child a simple moral lesson called decency and the beauty of it.

We can apply the above style to every aspect of their lives. When we do, they will gradually begin to grow with the inner power to choose. They will choose based on conviction and not the crowd mentality. This way, friends can never make them join cults, bad gangs of never do well people, Aristo clique etc because they can take their own decisions and decide for them selves.

When the bible says pray, it dint just say pray. It says, watch and pray. When you pray, you must pray about some thing. That is when prayer means prayer. I know some parent will say, abeg na only prayer fit do am. I refuse to agree. Prayer when knowledge is absent is deficient. Teach and guide the child. Don't refuse to teach and yet dictate for the child and then expect prayer to perform magic. What the bible says is show a child the way he should go. Teach and not dictate. The mistake is most parent don't teach, they dictate and wonder why the child turned out a sexually promiscuous girl or an armed robber. It is because the type of training you gave only produced the wrong result. Of course,it is bound to. It is bound to because you have to be every where with that child for the child not to fail but its not possible. Do your part and do it right. When you do, I promise you that as you follow up with prayers for that child, he or she would never depart from it. Remember my people perish only because of lack of knowledge.

I will let you take it from here.  

DO I HATE THE PRESIDENT?

I may not know what it means to be a politician.

I may not know how much it cost to win a party primaries.

I may not know the prize to pay to win an election

I may not know what it feels like to be taken to an unknown shrine to swear before a native doctor even when every sunday I seat as a church elder and all my church members know and revere me.

I may not know what it means to be the president

I may not know, but believe me, I know success when I see one. I know prospect when I see one. When I see a man who is heading some where, I know one when I see him.  I have said it before now...Good luck Ebele Jonathan the current president of Nigeria for me has so many explanations to make to Nigerians. It is about time Nigerians start making this Man talk. Will things continue to remain the way they are? I tell you one truth, His government will only continue to remain this way while he himself  and those in his cabar continue to loot this country in a bid to lead it to ruins. They will distract us with the type of stories in the media right now all in a bid to make us feel they are doing some thing but  no they are not. How long shall we continue like this?  Obasanjo  did the same thing for eight years. Yaradua took over and was sick for most of his tenure. Jonathan completed that tenure with no land mark made. He went ahead with promises to win the last presidential election but since that election was won, what has he done? What notable action of his has impacted in the lives of the infants, teenagers,youths, young adults or older people what? What? What?
Has anyone cared to take a look at his government since he assumed office? Can any one still remember the promises he made when he was campaigning to become president? Is this Man leading Nigeria any where positive? Can no one see the signs? Are we going to remain like this? For how long? What has changed even by ten percent since the president assumed office. I will list some things kindly point at any;

1. Electricity supply

2. Good federal roads

3.Cost of fuel

4. Security

5. Transportation

6.Sports

7.Education

8.Employment

9.Welfare

10. Health etc

Can some one tell me which of this has shown any sign of taking off? I mean just a sign? Does any one care? Let me leave the rest to you.

THE POLITICS OF SHAME

Though very sad, I must put my hand on my keyboard and write this. I have followed with pain and deep concern in d last few days, the very ugly action of farouk Lawal (a public servant) and that of Femi Otedola ( a top Nigerian businessman) in all, it appears that the days when men bury their head in shame and regret their actions has either gone on a very long holiday  or those days are dead and buried. Men steal, deprive people of what belongs to all and do all they can to cover it with pride. However,  when confronted with the truth, rather than own up, show remorse and change their attitude, they come up with all sorts of excuses to make hell look like heaven.

The average Nigerian politician, while contesting for political office keeps only one thing at the back of his or her mind, Go there and steal and steal and steal and steal.  After all, that national cake belongs to all of us. Make no mistake here, I do not mean by this that all Nigerian politicians are thieves  No that's not what am saying. What I am saying however is that, based on what we have seen since 1999 till date, the era of the so called democratic dispensation., what has become very clear is that people go to public office not to serve but to steal and steal and steal. Again, it does not mean that they all steal.

Why will a Man  bestowed with the honor of Making laws for his country be found (though not proven guilty yet) mentioned at all where corruption lives. Or why should a Man, whose business life ought to inspire the young ones be found joining issues on the table of corrupt practices. This two men, on tv, radio, internet and on the pages of newspaper have done all that they can, to justify their action without shame.

Sincerely speaking, I do not blame them. Why should I? No tell me, why should I? Is corruption not the middle name of such men? Here is my only pain, the fact that the youths are watching. The fact that they are learning. The fact that they are asking the question, can u earn a honest living in Nigeria?

My answer to the above is YES YOU CAN. The secret is, please don't look at such men. In addition, know this, both the giver and the taker, either by intentionally giving or by omission, either by testing or re testing, the truth is they were both wrong and morally they should keep quiet and bury their head in shame. The truth again is that there is no right way to do what is wrong.

As you read this please don't get me wrong, I am not judging them. I am only presenting the truth. The naked truth. In doing so, I pray and hope that the president, judiciary and national assembly will have the moral courage to see that as a responsibility they owe society that obligation to ensure that this is not swept under the carpet. May God help us all.

I have said mine, I will let you take it from here.

Joseph Ogundare
All rights reserved
July 7,2012.

ALIBABA THE PATHFINDER

I am not the type to sing the praises of men because they are not God. I am however the type to sing their praise and honor them when I notice them on the path of sincere and honest living. Today is my wedding anniversary and I have chosen to honor some one whose life and light I have observed from a distance- Alibaba. I have chosen to point my search light on this great being, his human weaknesses notwithstanding.

The idea behind this brief piece is not to present to you a perfect man,  but  to present to you a REAL MAN. My idea is to use the life of this man in pointing out some truth and at the same time, do my best to honor him. The truth is, Alibaba like other human beings  is not perfect.  I believe that you don't have to be perfect in order to be active. Keep being active and the rest is that of your God to inspire and direct.

The Man Alibaba means different things to different people. To describe him, one can say Ali is a husband,a  father, a comedian in a class all by himself,a blogger,a businessman,a  motivator,a mentor, an on air personality etc . The life of this innocent giant of our time if looked into critically and evaluated can inspire the most de motivated being on earth. This  is why I have decided to use this piece to point out a few lessons from his life to inspire the younger generation and to equally challenge Nigeria's politicians of today. We live in a selfish rather than selfless generation.


Ali, started comedy when no one believed in it. In truth, at the time he started many laughed at him. Only a senseless man would want to take up comedy at that time.  Others enjoyed his jokes but never believed this was ever going to put bread on his table. Today, not only has it put bread on his table, it has added butter like good cars, houses and great investment to his life. Today, he can stand tall and say 'I thank God for giving me the grace to believe in my self'. He dared to stand when many ran away. He stood his ground in the face of daily challenges at that time. Many in his day did not believe in him. Am sure  Many even called him a joker. Many even laughed and wondered at the name Alibaba Saying what kind of name was that. He was resilient In the face of trouble. He was determined to make a statement. Today, that name Alibaba is a household name and his contribution has earned him a national honor. An honor he may never have smelled in his life time.  A man can only make a difference if he is willing to dare.

In today's Nigeria and in Africa as a whole, it is important to point  many  the life of this man. We must make a statement here,    your being a graduate is not what guarantees your success even though going to school may be very important. Gone are the days in Nigeria when your being a graduate almost automatically means a big job, a car, housing allowance ,traveling allowance etc. Today, graduates are begging for a job of seventy thousand naira a month. A take home pay that may never really take them home. Nigeria economy is bad. The economy does not seem to have any focus. The truth it, it has no youth in its plan.  Many seat at home, look at their certificate and blame the world for why they are jobless. I feel their pain but they cannot continue to blame it on the world while in the same world things are happening for many. They have being blaming the world for more than two, three, four or even five years now, yet they have not done any thing to change their situation. All they do is borrow money to buy tuesday guardian. Borrow money to go to the cafe to send cv online. Many have failed  to look in wards. They fail to understand that Some times, all that  life may be telling you is lift a finger   'for all I want is your humble beginning... Do that and I will make you big.' But no! We want the white collar job. What trips us the most in Nigeria which of course has become our greatest is the quest for white collar job. Our joy is in; I am a banker, I work with mobil ( this one is good o lol), I work with a telecoms company etc yet many who work in some of this places are merely suffering and smiling except for mobil amongst the listed am sure. I know some one who works in one of this places, he has worked for five years yet no salary increment. But when the world see him, they will shout 'big boy' and he will feel cool with himself. Let us not despise the days of humble and little beginning like Alibaba did. He is one Nigerian whose wealth you can truly claim is genuine. Some people have landed big offers from doing some thing little. Some have become big by starting some thing little. Some own pure water production factories from selling retail pure water. The story is endless. The point to make is simple,  find that courage. Dare where others faint. Explore where others overlook. Begin small and grow big. Look from down up so that you can stay up. Make your mark and be a pioneer in your generation. The world is not waiting for the man who eats complain as breakfast, lunch and dinner and blame others for his pain. If you want inspiration, look at the life of Alibaba you will find one.

I honor Alibaba for believing in original comedy. Because you stood your ground and believed in yourself,  many who ordinarily would have become armed robbers are today making it in comedy and many are coming up. I say this because if you look at the faces  of many of our comedians, you can guess what they would have become if comedy had  not come their way. The faces of some of them can make you beg even without them pointing a gun at you. Thank you to comedy for changing their lives and channeling a new course in their lives. Ali, God made it happen but you were the channel.

The second important point I want to bring forth from the life of Alibaba is that,  aside from being a pioneer who challenged his time, he is an epitome of humility. At some point in the course of our discussion my friend, a comedian friend told me that  if you call Alibaba on the phone and invite him to support whatever you are doing, if he is chanced, he will show up. This my friend, an upcoming comedian got married and Ali was there even before other upcoming comedians showed up. According to my friend, Ali will encourage you even when other top comedians ignore you just so that you can succeed.

In todays Nigeria, how many top comedians, businessmen  or politicians want you to succeed? Even your uncles and aunts, when they make it in life or are in government they will make them selves  look like God. Even God is reachable. For them, You cannot talk to them on the phone let alone see them. Each time you call, they are always busy. In truth, many of them are only busy stealing Nigeria's  money and mis managing it. Perhaps At the time you called, they were on top of a young girl in their hotel room or guest house. That is all some of them  are ever busy doing. They forget that they are in office to serve and be available to those that they serve. For the businessmen, they believe their wealth is because they are smart and inteligent. They forget that God is the source of wealth. Except of course they got it through ritual or 419.  If Ali had made himself unreachable to many, may be many of those we enjoy as comedians today even in our events may have fallen by the way side. Again I say, thank you Alibaba for always being there.

The third aspect of his life which  I want to point out is his investment spirit. If this Man was not wise, he would have turned out broke like many ex Nigeria footballers or sport men and women or like Bankers who lost their jobs but were broke at the time they did. Opportunity was open for Alibaba to spend his entire earning from comedy on club life, womanizing, fake life etc. Though he may have done some of those things (ofcourse he is  human) . Yet he was and is still wise. My friend told me that Alibaba's investments are fruitful investments.

I want to use the above to challenge today's younger generation to avoid living fake lives. I see so many fake lives around me. I see a man who is still a tenant with no personal house of his own or land any where in lagos  driving a car of 8 million. What do you call that? Yet such a man does nothing but club, spend, collect bank loan and do nothing good with it. So many fake lives. Your family is managing in a face me I slap you house and yet you live in school like your father is the oba of Nigeria. Such people will come out of school and live reckless life without plan.

What does the above say? Look beyond the present. Project from the now to the not now that is contemporary message to challenge any one with. The cars of today are better than the cars of years back and that of the future will be better than  that of today. The truth is, change is constant. That which  you have in your hand now may not always be there but if you spread the seed into many soil, even if some die, you will be able to look at others and say thank you Jesus. Such is the life which has become the fruit of this living example.

Alibaba, thank you for your spirit of investment. Many have become employed because of you. When I see a living Legend I know one. Legend for me are those who have been able to challenge and impact the life of many by what they do. Tell me if Alibaba is not one. At least we know the source of his wealth. Not like many.

Alibaba, I salute your courage, doggedness and resilience. You remain a living example to my generation.

A word they say is enough for the wise. I have said my own, I will let you take it from here.

WHEN THE WRONG ONE LOVES YOU RIGHT.

The story of life some times leaves you wondering about so many things so much so that you are always tempted to ask questions. Questions that you most times never find answers to. As I write this brief piece, which of course is still like pieces of cloth being put together by a fashion designer, I am still asking questions. In life,as u and I know, its not all your questions that supply you answers. The journey of LOVE  has led many to a journey from where they never returned the same. You will see a lady who loves a guy so much and the guy professed the same love to her. This is vice versa. In the course of the journey, one of the two discovers so many lies. So many deception by the one who claimed to Love him or her. So many secrets and cheating take place along the journey. In most cases ( I hope am not wrong) when this is discovered, the other partner is willing to make compromises so they seat to talk. At the end of the day, the forgiven person ends up hurting the one who forgave, again and again and again. In the end, just like saying 'can't you read the handwriting on the wall ', the one that was forgiven end up backing out of the relationship leaving the other person heartbroken and devastated. Meanwhile, while all this things were going on, there may have  been another person out there loving this person. Showing and giving this person all the attention yet get nothing in return. Why? In life, Love is the one that often lead not us. We follow love, love does not follow us. Love dictates the pace. It sets the course. Love makes the bed and our duty is to lay on it. Love make us think stupid things. love make us do things that make others wonder if we don't need psychiatric attention. Love make us go crazy. Some lie to us and we enjoy it. Love says go to heal and we look forward to the journey without asking questions. The truth is that though love is that powerful, yet it is the most misunderstood, misrepresented,miss applied,mis professed word in human history. Some times what we call love is far from love. Some times when some claim they are in love, they can do any thing their partner wants even if it means offending God. At this point, love may have given way to idolatry. It is no longer love. It is not even infatuation. It is now worship.  In life, some times it is better to look deeper when we claim to love. It is better to x- ray. 1 cor 13 very well just so we can know what Love is and what it is not. Do we really know love when we see one? Can we truly recognize love?  Is love to you just sex? Physical attraction? The height? The car? The house? etc. This things some times make us miss the mark. They make us fail to see the one who truly love us. Forget my uncoordinated thought in this brief piece. Here is my question, I am not saying you are not in love. Again, it is not that, that person you love may not truly love you. It is not that you can not see the hand writing on the wall. It is not that you can not see that other person who is showing you true love. It is just that you have decided that rather than leave him or her, you would rather die. I envy your sacrificial spirit. But just consider for a moment this question, what will you do, if the one you don't see as your mister right is the one that is loving you right? Many are the eyes that look but few are the ones that see. A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. My silly point is make. Ok joseph shut up.  I will let you take it from here. Joseph Ogundare All right reserved june 2012

MY LETTER TO THE ABUSED WOMAN AND TO THE MAN WHO ABUSED HER.

WOMAN I KNOW YOU KNOW THIS

That the idea behind the phrase 'Love is blind' presupposes the fact that when one is in love, he or she in most cases closes his or her eyes to that action or reaction which is seen as negative and decides to also apply the idea of love is dumb which means say nothing. The idea of love is dumb also say love is deaf. Every evil head about the one you love, does not register through your ears.

BOTH OF YOU KNEW THIS BEFORE MARRIAGE

Love is a beautiful thing. Love is a strong thing. Love is a deep  emotion. Love can conquer any thing. Love can even lead to war. Love will endure any thing. Love will give up so much. Love will make you believe in your partner even when others don't. Love is indeed very powerful.

MY PAINFUL ASSERTION

I believe in all the above plus more but here is my argument. In any marriage, when the one who loves fails to save herself or himself from a partner who keeps inflicting PHYSICAL ABUSES on him or her, if death occurs, that is not love but suicide. Quote me any where and I will defend this even before my pastor, bishop or the  pope.

MY BIG PROBLEM
Love may be every thing but not stupidity. Even Jesus did not die on the cross for nothing, He died for a reason. He died so that you and I might be saved. He did not die for dying sake. So His love was not stupid. When man therefore begins to marry love and stupidity together, I have a problem with that.

MAN, YOU USED TO TREAT HER RIGHT

A man marries a woman professing all the love in the world. At some point in the course of that marriage, the attraction he has for this same woman begins to grow cold. All of a sudden, the woman who was to him the most beautiful rose in the world now suddenly begins to irritate him. I agree with the fact that some of the factor responsible for this may be from the woman but what happened to your being a living example as a man. The man who once professed love all of a sudden becomes a living beast. Yes, a living beast. That is what I call any man who is weak enough to lift his hand and beat his wife or even girl friend. Did I say weak enough to beat? Yes.

MAN, A HARD LESSON FOR YOU

It is only a weak man that will lift his hand and beat his wife. A man who thinks he has to beat his wife to show he is a Man is not a Man. A man is the head not the neck. A man is the leader not the follower so if you had been the man-the head, the woman would have followed. You don't have to proof you are the man by lifting your hand against the woman. It takes being a real Man to hold your temper. A man is that one who sees a reason to bring out the beast in him but decides to look the other way or walk away. To abuse a woman physically is not a part of the marriage vow taken on the altar.

WOMAN, WISDOM IS POWER

Why will a woman choose to live in a marriage where physical abuse is the order of the day? Why do people do this? So that friends and family don't laugh at them. Because they hate divorce. Because of their children if children are involved. Because they are leaders in church and perhaps don't want the congregation to see them as a bad example. They don't want their home to break. Some how I understand this excuses ( many I have head during counseling) but you must stay alive to be able to profess that Love.

YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE FIRST

I have argued several times and in several places that you don't have to stay in a home where you are physically abused. I hate divorce but not separation if that will keep the sanctity of life. If you keep quiet when physical abuses come into your marriage, one day the world will find you dead without you being able to tell your story. A dead woman has no story to tell. A dead woman has no one to love in the grave.

TAKE ACTION NOW BEFORE HIS ACTION WILL TAKE YOU OUT.

So, if you are in a marriage where you are physically being abused or you know some one suffering the same fate, before life is taken out of you, you must have the courage to speak out. No matter how much threat is made to your life you must speak out and in most cases it is best you speak with an independent counselor and not family members. To allow yourself to be turned into a punching bag is leading your partner into deeper temptation. Help yourself and help your partner. In most cases, if you want the idea of this help to be fruitful, you may need to separate for a while. Only the living can stay in a marriage because every marriage is 'until death do us part'

I have said the little i can, i will leave you to take it from here.

Joseph Ogundare
25 june 2012
All rights reserved.

IS NIGERIA A CHARITY ORGANIZATION?

The idea of national interest in the area of foreign policy show clearly how countries  of the world relate. It shows for example how the USA will relate with NIGERIA and what will determine the principle and interest  guiding such relationship. In addition, it also shows WHY countries will relate with one another. The why becomes very important because areas of interest determines the why. No country of the world goes into any kind or type of world interaction without first asking the question, what's in it for me? The United State of America for example will not just engage in any intervention program without first looking at what is in it for them. An example is clear. In all of the period Liberia had issues, the united state failed to show interest in any form of intervention program until Nigeria decided to show up. However, because of her oil stake in Iraq, the United State did not need the approval of the United Nations before intervening. The question again is why? My answer is NATIONAL INTEREST. It is so bad that the prime minister of England or The president of the United State or even the President of Ghana will not visit Nigeria without a national interest being first considered. Why did America have to wait this long to take out Gadaffi? National interest. America's  economy and the economy of europe is bad and some thing in Libya is needed to help build back their economy so the man had to be taken out ( my sentiment please forgive me) so they can gain access. Do you think he was taken out just because he ruled his people as a dictator? Why wasn't he taken out ten years ago? Did he become a dictator recently? The answer is National interest. China will boost her relationship with Nigeria because Nigeria has become a good dumping ground for most of her cheap and inferior goods (that is not to say all their goods are cheap and inferior. Many Nigerians own a phone today thanks to them). Today we talk about china phones and even china town. Indians will not leave Nigeria because even we ( Nigerians) believe they are superior to our people so they are given free hands to rule the manufacturing industry and treat Nigerians like animals. I remember some one once told me that, right before her presence, an indian man asked a Nigerian girl to slap another Nigerian girl just because she came late to work without being interested in why she came late to work. It took her intervention to stop that slap because she had to warn the Nigerian lady never to try it. Go round the country, Nigerians are treated like slaves in their fatherland by indians. They come to Nigeria and casualise Nigerian workers and drive them like slave and yet the government is watching. How many Nigerians can go to india and do that? In to days world, if you kill a simple American citizen, your government will be made to at least explain why? That's in a state where things work. A place where national interest is the guiding factor.. In our relationship (Nigeria) with state of the world and in the way Nigerians are treated in the world, I fail to understand if the idea of national interest matter to us in any way. Our own country men and women including children are suffering in the midst of so much resources yet we spend billions of dollars claiming we are doing peace keeping abroad, helping countries to stand. The government of Nigeria spend the countries money helping other state of the world without caring if Nigerians can feed. In Nigeria today, no steady power supply, many bad roads, no security, no jobs, no maintenance culture, no good and safe transport system etc yet the government does not care. I hear speech like ' Nigeria economy is better today than it was yesterday' but I fail to see the effect in the life of Nigerian Man. Instead I know that many Nigerians have lost their jobs since Sanusi became the governor of the central bank and things have refused to work well. I know that the rate at which robbery take place today and the kind of weapons used has gone high tech. Where am I going with all this? My answer is,  no country in this world is a charity organization. The interest and needs including wants  of the people of the federal republic of Nigeria must be considered in any local, national,intercontinental or international dealings before decisions are taken. A continuous neglect of this fact may one day take us to that point where we say enough is enough ( that is if we are not there yet). A wise leader and a wise follower will read in between the lines. My point is made, I will let you take it from here. Joseph Ogundare June 24,2012. All rights reserved.