Marriages and Relationship in the twenty first century easily break up due to claims of irreconcilable differences . irreconcilable because the two party involved feel they have tried enough and are tired of trying. Who can blame them? In most cases, you will hear one of the couple say, I have done my very best. Or have they?
Have you ever been privileged to be in a room with two supposed very angry couples. I refer to two couples who once proclaimed love for each other. Perhaps travelled round the world together and walked the streets of life hand in hand. You sometimes need to feel the anger, the rage, the turned face, the use of negative words and expression that make you wonder if these two were forced on themselves. At other times, they threatened to beat up each other. I have heard were a man told the wife in the course of a session that he bought her with his money. This is the same woman he once professed love for. Sometimes you want to ask, what went wrong? A lot perhaps!
The little issues which latter become big and unmanageable amongst couples are in most cases issues that could have been resolved if they had attended to it when it all began and nipped it in the board. But rather than do this ,couples allow the issues to degenerate into issues which according to them becomes unforgivable. You will hear words like , I can never forgive him till I die. At other times you will hear expressions like, if I forgive you, make God no open heaven for me. As if those who refuse to forgive have a place in heaven.
Why do couples find it very difficult to forgive one another ;
1. They may never really love each other : Sometimes, when people claimed to be in love, truth is, they really never knew what love was. Being attracted to someone does not translate to being in love. Being in Love is being Patient and kind. That Love forgives and does not keep a record of wrong. That's what love is. Being in Love is not the same thing as the chemistry you both claim to feel because love is deeper than chemistry. Couples fail to forgive because their love for one another was really never pure.
2. They may be filled with pride :
Some one said the average human being is full of pride their financial situation not withstanding. So many couples are more proud and full of self than they are in love. Its about me, myself and I. When issues come up in that marriage, they are always looking for who will apologies first. Apology is strange to them. Perhaps they grew up with a parent who never said ,am sorry. Gradually, a small issue graduates into an uncontrollable one. How does one claim he is in love yet cannot let go of trivial issues instead allow pride speak every form of languages into their soul. Pride is one reason u forgiveness is hard in a relationship or marriage. Being the man does not stop you from saying sorry but pride won't let you because you are the man. Put yourself in the shoes of your spouse. In other cases a lady may refuse to apologies because as far as she is concerned, her father sponsored their wedding and also gave her husband the job he has, so what the hell! Why should she say sorry to a man whose life is dependent on her and her family. Pride!
3. They may be talking to the wrong person :
When a people in a relationship or marriage have issues and go discussing with friends who end up giving them the wrong advice, how will they ever be able to forgive one another. In most cases, some friends only tell you things you they want you to hear because they want to remain your friend not things they know to be true. There are great friends, however more often than not, people never approach them in times of trouble. Instead, they go to the ones who speak only the language they want to hear. This factor has made forgiveness very hard also.
4. They may never truly understand the healing power of forgiveness : When you are in a relationship or marriage yet refuse to forgive one another , you deny yourself a beautiful experience. When couples forgive each other in their relationship, they grow to another level. To refuse to forgive your partner is to hold them down. To hold them down, you must stay down too. Those who forgive sleep peacefully and sleep without fear. When a couple truly forgive one another, love grows, the relationship grows and respect for one another deepens . unforgiving couple harm their own life and health. To forgive your partner is to be ready to fly like a bird. Don't deny your relationship the healing which forgiveness brings . Even in the worst case of abuse, though you should leave the home, yet you are expected to forgive. Don't get me wrong, in the case of Abuse, though you must forgive. You should only move back after resolution and promise that it won't repeat itself.
5. They may already have entered into another relationship : Most times when a couple find it difficult to forgive one another, they are already finding succour in the hands of another partner. Based on that ,feeling may have gone on a very long journey thereby making forgiveness impossible. Need I more?
6. They may already have become tired of one another : When the reason for getting married or being in a relationship is attraction only, when I say attraction I mean everything physical including sex. This usually will not be able to withstand the storm when crisis come. Marriage is beyond attraction. There is love and there is friendship. Attraction alone usually never takes you to marriage promise land . You must love one another and this love must grow into the very best of friendships. A couple will find it hard forgive in the absence of this.
7. They may be talking to Friends who have no real solution ; One very wrong advice from a wrong friend is bad enough to redefine your marriage or relationship anti clockwise. When you allow the advice of a bad friend whom you trust so much speak in your marriage or relationship, get ready because forgiveness will be hard or impossible.
8. Their status make them feel too big to let go: When one of the couple is very rich or has a celebrity status, they feel that the other partner cannot do without them. In that light, when issues come up in the marriage or relationship, they find it difficult to apologies. This lack of apology then becomes the basis for lingered crisis and un forgiveness. In their mind and pride, the offence is too grievous to forgive .
The above are some of the reason why people refuse to forgive when issues come up in a marriage. However, Marriage and forgiveness are like the two sides of a coin in a marriage. There is no marriage without forgiveness. A successful marriage is all about two partners forgiving each other daily. Jesus said ,seventy times seven in one day. Its a language which says, forgiveness in a marriage must be endless because I don't see anyone offending you seventy times seven times daily. Therefore, when you think about your spouse ,no matter what they have done to offend you or hurt your pride,just do what the bible says. I usually will tell people, even if you hate Christians, just read their bible. Read the bible because , it will give u a guide for life. Now back to the issue , instead of keeping bad records against your spouse, In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Those are the things you should always think about your spouse . Forgiving your spouse is possible only if you are willing to
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Joseph OGUNDARE
is a Professional relationship Counsellor & teacher. He is also a business Man, business strategist & public speaker . You can contact him on joeonfrc@gmail.com.
