I love my husband and he claims to also love me but the issue am about to share with you is making me develop hatred for him. This issue has bothered me for a while now and am hoping you can help me. I attend a church where divorce is near impossible on the grounds for which I want a divorce at least that was the answer I got from my church when I requested. If divorce were possible, I would never have written this instead, I would have taken that option. Even my husband does not want a divorce. My problem with my husband is not new since I saw them all during our courtship. I did see them but I was hoping he will change after our marriage but instead, he has gotten worse. Am sure you are wondering what this issues are.
Before I got married, I knew my husband was a womanizer. He practically went after every thing in skirt but I still loved him. He had two habits I detested so much. These habits were womanizing and carelessness with money which leaves him broke early in the month because like me, he is a salary earner. He earns a very comfortable salary ( a little above 556k every month) but he gets broke before the end of the month because he spends like his life depends on that spending. I complained before we got married but he promised to change. in fact, he pretended to have changed. Six years into the marriage, the case is worse than before. That does not form the bulk of my worry because
I also have a very comfortable job, so money is not the issue. I can take care of myself financially without any man. My worry is that as we speak, except for the land I bought by myself in three places here in Lagos, which he knows nothing about because I could not tell him, we don't own land or any property any where. I have talked and talked and talked. My husband believes he is indispensable in his place of work. What kind of man thinks that way? To add insult to the injury, his womanizing attitude is driving me nuts. He professes love to me yet sleeps around with other women. Who does that? I have caught him severally but it all ended up with serious pleading. I keep forgiving him. I am tempted to get back at him some times by doing the same thing he is doing but I am not that type of person. It makes my case worse because it pains me that I cannot get back at him using his own game. Again because I am a christian. Before we got married, I saw all these but i was hoping I could change him, but now, I know better. My heart is in pain every day because I believe I have shown enough understanding. I think I have tolerated him enough. I am tired joseph, What should I do?
Jennifer ( Not her real name)
My Response
Your issue is not particularly very peculiar to you alone and I thank you for the courage with which you shared this story. I am not your pastor and so I will attempt to address your issue from two parts namely; the social angle and the spiritual angle. However, you will have to make the distinction on your own as you read this. A point to note here is that, I will speak to you in particular and to all of us in general.
I have head many people say to themselves, let me marry him since I can change him or make him change. In addition, they always say, he will change because of the love he has for me. Truthfully, men have changed their life style because of their wife and this is a fact. Some stopped smoking because of their wife. Many stopped clubbing because of their wife ( this does not mean I condemn those who go clubbing) etc. However, I have noticed that some of these men still go back to this habit once in a while. Some do so in secret. Some times, it happens when they have a quarrel with their wife or even husband because this issue is both ways. Some times it happens when they are broke or when they have pressure from the office. This leaves us with the question, do men really change when they promised they will? Can a man really change because of me? These questions are vice versa.
Some one did argue that the most moral man has his secret. The only difference is that we don't know what these secrets are. In the face of man, they are very moral and in very pure. He added that change can only happen by the grace of God and not by the power of man. Let me say here that no man can change another man. Let me also say that you cannot make another man change. You may speak the words to the man to change, ultimately, change happens only when a man DECIDES to change. Nothing can begin without a decision and no man can do that for another man. Decisions are taken personally. Speaking from even the christian perspective also, the HOLY SPIRIT will not change you except you decide to allow Him. This is because the God who created you without your consent and gave you a free will even without your asking will not save you without your own consent. Change ultimately begins with the decision of the individual to change. So my dear, you were not wrong to have desired change for him but you were wrong to have thought that you could change him or even make him change.
The above is speaking generally but right now you are in the marriage, what can you do? I will answer this but let me say this for the benefit of those about to marry. Do not marry a man with the hope that you can change any thing about that man. Mary a Man just the way he is, for who he is and for what he is if who and what he is goes with your philosophy. Don't marry a man you merely tolerate, marry a man you truly understand. Tolerance is good but it is never sufficient. This is because it can one day give way to the person bursting open all he or she had been tolerating. Tolerance also hopes for change as it tolerates. It does not tolerate excusing who you are or accepting you just the way you are. Understanding on the other hand says,this is who you are and I accept you just the way you are. So whether you change or not, I love you anyways. If you change, glory be to God. but if you don't, I love and accept you just the way you are. This should be the attitude you adopt before you marry a person. This is for the man and the woman that is why courtship is necessary even though courtship in itself does not guarantee a happy marriage.
To address your issue in particular, let me say here Jennifer, that you can only hope that your desired change come some day except if you choose the option of a divorce which will not solve the issue. Does your husband beat you? If no, then you have no reason at all to move out of your home. In truth, if you move out, there are many ladies waiting to move in and you would have succeeded in doing more damage to his life than good.
In addition to the above, you did not tell us if you have children. For a six year marriage I trust that you do. If that is the case, you sincerely don't want to have your children turn out as products of a broken home. The effect of a broken home have dare consequences. For the sake of the children, kindly stay. Raise your children in your husbands home.
Every love must be tested. I know your own is no issue of test because you saw these issues before you entered. However, tell your self that you can win this battle because that is what it is, a battle. Let the love you have for your husband make you bend your knee and pray for him. Kindly don't discuss him with any one. If you must discuss him with any body, make sure it is with a professional counselor or your pastor. Avoid discussing him with your friends as their response can not be any thing but biased. How many friends will not tell you to cheat if your husband is cheating. Take this as a battle you have to fight and I will advice you to do it on your knee. I will tactically avoid the issue of you owning property behind his back here since that is not the issue here and hopefully will address that topic separately very soon.
Love is deep and it will conquer any thing but I also know that we are humans. From time to time our strength fail us and the desire to go on is never there. This is where we need God. To deeply love a man like this will need grace. To love him you need to consider the following;
1. Forgive Him
2. Accept him in your heart
3. Show him compassion because he needs help
4. Always pray for him and ask for prayers for him.
5. Speak only what you believe you want him to become and not what he is currently.
6. Treat him well and still give him the respect he deserves as your husband.
7. Don't judge him
8. Don't condemn him
9. Don't fight him or insult him
10. Show him patience and understanding.
Is the above easy for any man? Does it make sense to do this for a man with such life style? This is where You need God. In him you will find even answers that Man cannot give you. You need God because Two wrongs have never made anything right. You need God because even you sleeping with him with his womanizing attitude endangers your life. Imagine him having unprotected sex outside and contacting STD or HIV and then coming home to make love to you.
You need God because you cannot survive such a life on the wings of human strength.
May God in His mercy give you the strength and grace to remain standing. My heart is with you. Take it from here and keep moving.
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