" In part two, we will try to consider briefly why physical attraction some times fail and how we can help to ensure that we keep it oiled so it does not fail"
That is what we shall attempt to do in this part. Don't forget its a trilogy but at the moment, we are looking only at the first part which is attraction. On attraction, we have given a description in part one, this is the second part on attraction and the statement quoted above is what we shall consider. Let me make it abundantly clear that what ever is written on this blog is a product of my reflection, counseling sessions, interactions and time with people. They are not based on any external research and it merely adds what I write to what ever has been written on them already.
Attraction, we have said is important and necessary but insufficient. Allow me to clear that part. I do not by that statement mean that you can survive in a relationship without attraction. Attraction is key to the survival of any relationship or marriage and its very central role can never be down played to the background for any attempt to do such would amount to putting that marriage or relationship at the mercy of what will kill it. When attraction become missing in a marriage or relationship watch out. That relationship or marriage may never survive. Most times when people no longer feel them selves in a relationship, one of the fundamental things friends, counselors, family members should look at is the arena called attraction. This is because when this area fail, there is not much you can do except to talk and pray that it returns. Only this time, both of them will have to make a conscious effort to make happen some thing they once enjoyed without having to struggle.
A lady, during our chat once said, each time my husband is making love to me, the only way I enjoy it is that I always imagine
that it is Daniel that is making love to me. I respond like I am responding to Daniel only that I make a conscious effort not to mention the name of daniel. Some times, I wish he can make love to me like daniel. Daniel is soft, gentle and talks to me all through love making like am the one that really matters and not the sexual act itself. But Nnamdi merely wants to climb on me and come out once he is done. He does not even care if I have come or not. It is always like that. How can an educated person be like that. Also, sex for him is an ego thing. He feels its his right. If he continues like this, will I ever stop fucking daniel? ( Pardon the use of the word as I had to use it just the way she did). Though I need help but how will this help I seek help me live with a man who may never change. What I suffer now is that church creed that says no sex before marriage. I was faithful to it but now its not faithful to me. See me, am married yet am fucking some one other than the man I married...
A guy once said I can no longer feel my wife. He added, I even find it hard right now to kiss her. I see every thing wrong in the woman in whom I once never saw any thing wrong. I used to make love like four or five times a week after our marriage but right now, not even once in two weeks. Thank God we already have three kids, is this how it would have being? Right now I feel like calling it quit. Joe, this is not about spiritualising this, the truth is, I am no longer attracted to vanessa. I even find it hard to call her the pet name I used to call her. Love making for me, when ever it happens is like fulfilling an office duty. I am tired. That is why I called you.
Can any one reading this relate to any of the above stories? Before you judge them, look in the mirror and tell yourself the truth. Yours may not be this direct but some thing may be going on which you have refused to attend to. For many, they hide it under the canopy of wanting to look like a spiritual giant so they never talk about it or discuss it. They pretend until it eats them. Those two did get help and the help they sought helped.
One thing is common to the two stories above, they both had their eyes some where else instead of the goal. Attraction in most cases always begin with what the eyes see. I see you and only you. Only you mattered or matter . You are my world. I could even deny my parents should they have asked me not to date or marry you. I would cut off meetings just to be with you since you are all my eyes see and my body wants. The first lesson to put across is that attraction will begin to fade when we have our eyes some where else and not on the goal ( the person we married or are in relationship with).
The result of the above is that she or he becomes secondary and not primary. Before now, she was number one. Nu mero uno. But right now, he or she is no longer number one. Attention has shifted to what ever or who ever may be distracting you. That thing or person distracting you have your attraction. It could be some one else or some thing else. For some men, it could be that Lady out there or for the Ladies, it could be that guy out there. For some, it could even be their business or jobs. Yet for very many, it may be diverted attention to the children which was not well managed. I wish married couples can manage this. The children unconsciously is what some married couples are attracted to right now not them selves. When this happens, priority attention begins to shift naturally. A doctor was surprised when he called one of his patient husband to break the news of the wife delivery. The doctor called and said Mr Lewis, your wife was rushed to my hospital and as I speak, she has put to bed. The man did not ask, how is the baby? The first question he asked was, how is my wife? The doctor said she is very fine. The man shouted praise the Lord. The doctor later asked when the man arrived at the hospital, you only asked about your wife and shouted praise the Lord, what about the child? You dint even ask of the sex? Or any thing? The Man said, I married my wife not my child. Once my wife is fine, I am fine. It was a major lesson for this doctor who all along had been treating his wife like his furniture at home. He called and then we scheduled to talk and that was when he shared this story. He got help but many don't even see the need to get help let alone make attempt to get it.
There are so many other factors which may be responsible for why attraction easily fades, I will mention some here without long explanation as I am feeling this piece is already too long and I hate long things. Aside from the above;
1. Carelessness in the maintenance of body shape and physique.
2. Carelessness in dressing.
3. Carelessness in hairdo
4. Loss of belly shape
5. Loss of every sense of cleanliness in the home.
6. Smelly mouth ( mouth odor)
7. Very unattractive make up
8. Nagging and careless talks
9. Talking about other things and other people in your closet rather than talking about the two of you.
10. Not listening to the other person
11. Ignoring body language
12.Not giving compliments when you should.
13. Not giving attention when you should.
14. Not showing care when you should.
15. You no longer play with her hair
16. You no longer give that body massage
17. You no longer eat together
18. You no longer visit favourite spots together
19. You no longer do the things you do during that mutual moment in bed before sex
20. You no longer kiss.
The above is little, Many other factors account for why couples loss every sense of attraction. Since attraction is key to the survival of that relationship, before you lose it, all you need to do is prayer fully retrace your steps. Know why it happened and what you can do about it. Some times, some people say, I am no longer attracted to my wife , I think I need deliverance. No you don't need deliverance, you need decision. Decide today to start making it right. Break every external attachment that is in the way like extra marital affairs, business, jobs etc separate peter from paul. Prioritize and see your relationship or marriage as key. If your partner is guilty of any of the factors mentioned above or not mentioned, open up and talk about it. Do it a soon as you notice it and not allow it degenerate into some thing big. Leaving one partner for another is no guarantee that what happened with the first will not happen with the second in another way. Do not abandon the eighty percent which you are getting from your partner for a twenty person which that person out there want to give you. Only a foolish man will do that. In any bodies book, eighty percent is standard A.
To close this first aspect of the trilogy, let me put it this way, attraction is key to the survival of your relationship. If you are beginning to lose it, do all you need to do to bring it back. Pray about it, seek counseling but above all discuss it with your partner. Take my advise, run away from marriage if you are not ready. Its not a one hundred meter dash , its a marathon. Its not a contract, its a covenant. You don't marry for show, you marry for real. Its not about the ring in your hand, its about the ring in your hearts. Are you both still inside that circle together? That is what that ring in your hand should remind you off. But if you are sure you truly want this life journey, know this, If you remain attracted to each other, then you are ready to take it to the second level which is real Love. Attraction alone cannot take you there. You need love. Just as no one builds a house without a foundation, attraction is necessary as a foundation for Love to grow.
Our search light will focus next on some thing brief about what Love truly is. In truth, when many say I love you, they may not truly love you. May be they just lust you. We shall discuss that latter. Please, take it from here.
No comments:
Post a Comment