THE QUEST FOR EQUALITY IN MARRIAGES;A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

From My email.

Joseph,

I have a problem I will want you to advise me on. I have a problem in my marriage. I am from the west and my husband is from the east. I have not used my name here and its for a reason. My parent warned me about marrying my husband but I, refused to listen to them since the only reason they objected to the marriage was tribal and I am a very de tribalised person. My parents are not tribal but they had their objection on this one... I have been married for over four years now and before marriage, I mean while we were dating and courting, my husband gave me the impression that we were equal. He treated me like a queen and my opinion counted and mattered. However, five years down the line things have changed so fast and they continue that way every day. One of such areas bothers on equality amongst us. While we contribute together to keep the marriage going, in fact I contribute more financially and my contribution financially goes past his. I earn more than him and I bring over seventy percent financially to the marriage. I never rub this in his face and I have never intended to. However, my husband has changed a lot. He treats me like I don't matter and my opinion count for nothing. He reminds me every day that he is the man of the house. He is always quick to let me know that his decisions are final. My stomach rumble each time this happens but as a faithful wife, I swallow it. Joseph, my patience is running out. As his wife, I believe we are equal and based on this, I want my right respected. I feel like I am losing it. I brought this issue up the other day and it caused a lot of fracas. Kindly help me here because at this point, I feel I want out but for my two children. In fact, his attitude is driving me very far from him in terms of what I feel for him. What should I do? I want my right respected and my place honored because we should be equal. I await your response.

My Response

My sincere thanks to you for this email and I thank you also for allowing me share it. Let me begin by saying that your email left me asking many questions because it left a lot of void unfilled. It speaks your perspective alone and nothing of your husband. I will therefore respond to this only based on what you have written and on the assumption that it is all I need to know. Your mail did not tell me when and how your husband changed. It also did not tell me how both of you operated from the beginning of your marriage. Did you perceive you both as equal based on what obtained at the time? However, the point at which your husband changed, what happened? Did you in any way give him an impression which made him feel you abused the equality you both shared? Did you rub your over seventy percent contribution in his face? Did he request for some thing to be done financially and you objected? What did you do to make him change because his change in this case seems to me like a reaction. Well, these are questions begging for answers.

To the issue on equality, let me establish here that the institution of marriage says that the husband and wife have become one. This is the case with our church marriage but our traditional marriage is silent on this.  By being one, they have become equals. Equal here does not mean fifty fifty but hundred percent for each. It means hundred percent in role and responsibility for the man and hundred percent in role and responsibility for
the woman. However, they both occupy different offices in the marriage and one is the leader while the other is the companion. It is a journey that can not be undertaken by one person which shows the great importance of the second person. Though the man is the head and the woman the companion, the man must understand that his being is not complete without his companion. His life journey will be lonely, boring and uninteresting without his companion. For this reason, the man must learn to respect and honor his companion.

The woman must know that the idea of equality in marriage does not mean that this boat has two captain. It does not mean that this plain is flown by two pilot as captain. There is the pilot and there is the co pilot. One instructs, the other carries out the instruction. What this means is that no matter how much you earn as the woman, no matter what you own, you are expected to be subject to your husband. Subject in this case means as a wife not a slave. Therefore, as a woman, Look not for equality but for how not to fail in your office as a companion in this life journey.

In this generation, with the advent of the internet and so much knowledge, we have much more failed marriages than in the days of our parents. In fact, it would not be wrong to say the percentage is eighty to twenty percent. Do you know why this is so? It is because in those days, parents tell their daughters what to do. They tell them go and be subject to your husband and they did just that. That is why the woman in yoruba land will say olowo ori mi. Today, most parent fail to tell their children this. Instead they tell them, if you have any problem call me. Go and be subject to your husband is one message that should keep ringing in the head of any woman in marriage. It does not mean you are a slave. It only means you obey the office of the man. No matter what you have or don't have as the woman, as long as you are married, you are to be subject to the man. The man on the other hand owe it to the woman that he honours and respect her. Cherish her. Celebrate her. Be proud of her. Treat her like a queen. Praise her from time to time. Correct her with love not with the attitude that treats her like  your subordinate in the office. A real man will treat his woman right.

Marriages will last and the home will be happy if both the man and the woman understand this. The concept of equality is a blessing. It says  both of you are equal because you are married. As equal as you are, you occupy different offices. The place of the man is not that of the woman vice versa. However, your being the man does not mean treating the woman bad. In truth, the moment you begin to, you have left your office as the man. You have become a tyrant. Though you are the man, you have become some thing else. A man is the one who knows and respects the place of the woman.

I have answered this question generally, I will answer it personally to the writer however thank you for sharing in it. Your views are welcomed. Take it from here.