To start with, quite a number of people called into the programme and shared different opinions but one thing I kept hearing from some people goes like this; what I believe is this...this is what I will do etc. Let me establish here that Marriage is not about what you believe or don't believe. You did not create that institution so you cannot recreate the rules. What you should do in your marriage is not based on what you believe. It is not based on what you think. It is not based on what you accept or don't accept. Instead, it is based on what the truth is. Before I go deep into this subject, I will publish for our sake here, some examples of wedding vows taken.
These examples of wedding vows is culled from about.com and used only for the sake of what we write here and nothing more. See below for these examples.
1. Do you (name) take (name) to be your lawful wedded wife/husband? (Each responds, "I do.") Will you love, respect and honour her/him throughout your years together? (Each responds, "I will.")
2. I (name) affirm my love to you, (name) as I invite you to share my life. You are the most beautiful, smart, and generous person I have ever known, and I promise always to respect you. With kindness, unselfishness and trust, I will work by your side to create a wonderful life together. I take you (name) to be my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.
3. (Name), I love you. You are my best friend. Today I give myself to you in marriage. I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.
I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard,
when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in highest regard. These things I give to you today, and all the days of our life.
4. (Name) do you take (name) to be your lawful wedded wife/husband? (each responds, "I do.") Do you promise to love and cherish her/him, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him, for so long as you both shall live? (each responds, "I do.") Do you together promise in the presence of your friends and family that you will at all times and in all circumstances, conduct yourselves toward one another as becomes Husband and Wife? (Together they respond, "We do.") Do you together promise you will love, cherish and respect one another throughout the years? (Together they respond, "We do.")
5. (Name), I love you. I want to be your husband/wife so that we might serve Christ together. Through all of the uncertainties and trials of life, I promise to be faithful to you and love you, so that together we may grow in the likeness of Christ and that our home may be a praise to Him.
6. (Name), I promise to love and care for you and I will try in every way to be worthy of your love.
I will always be honest with you, kind, patient, and forgiving. But most of all, I promise to be a true and loyal friend to you. I love you.
7. I (name), take you (name), to be my wife/husband, to share the good times and hard times side by side. I humbly give you my hand and my heart as I pledge my faith and love to you. Just as this ring I give you today is a circle without end, my love for you is eternal. Just as it is made of incorruptible substance, my commitment to you will never fail. With this ring, I thee wed."
8. (Name), do you pledge to love (name) and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to her/him? Do you pledge to give to her/him the same happiness she/he gives to you, and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be? (each responds, "I do.")
9. (Name), with all my love, I take you to be my wife/husband. I will love you through good and the bad, through joy and the sorrow. I will try to be understanding, and to trust in you completely. Together we will face all of life's experiences and share one another's dreams and goals. I promise I will be your equal partner in an loving, honest relationship, for as long as we both shall live.
10. (Name), I promise to love you, to be your best friend, to respect and support you, to be patient with you, to work together with you to achieve our goals, to accept you unconditionally, and to share life with you throughout the years.
11. (Name), I take you to be my wife/husband from this time onward, to join with you and to share all that is to come, to be your faithful husband/wife, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond; a commitment made in love, kept in faith, and eternally made new.
I have picked quite a lot for our consideration here just to show that we have quite a number of them. However, I have not seen any one which says 'and we shall separate or take time apart whenever we both feel this will be good for us just to help us both re discover the love we have both lost ' or we shall separate or take time apart whenever we feel we are no longer looking compatible or feeling compatible'. No, I fail to see this in any of those marriage vows instead what I see continuously is that commitment to stick together in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer till death do you part. Where then lays the place of a time apart? Is the concept of time apart good? Is it right?
To answer the above, let me say this; can something stand as not right but necessary? If the answer is yes, then we can say that is what we can apply to the above. Going by the idea of marriage vows, no pastor worth his salt (I say this because I know there are pastors who will do whatever you want provided they see money or material gift) will wed you if
the marriage vows contain those clauses written above. Marriage is about sticking together and not about going apart. However, there are periods when you have a duty to preserve life and protect it. Life was not created by any man and so, no man has the right to take it under any condition except under a democratic state law. We are bound to obey state law because even the bible says so. Jesus Himself said give unto Cesar what is his and to God what is Gods. Except for state law, you cannot take life. Why did I say this?
I said the above because you have a duty to protect life. A time apart or separation may not be right but it could become necessary under that marriage where the husband beats the wife, abuse her or the other way round (even though that of the other way round is rare). We cannot agree to a woman remaining in a marriage where battery is the order of the day (refer to my article on my letter to the abused woman and to the man who abused her in my archive). Nothing can get better with you down six feet. It can only get better if you stay alive. So, under this condition, taking time apart may be necessary.
Taking time apart can also be necessary in situations where the husband asked the wife to abort a particular pregnancy because he feels he does not want any more children or the sex of the child and therefore asked the woman to abort. If the man asks the woman to abort or leave, she can choose to take time apart under this condition. This again is because life is sacred.
You can take time apart if you are terminally ill and you need help but the help is not coming from your husband whom you stay alone with and has not agreed to you taking in a house help or a helper. Because you need help, you can take time apart to help you get better as it will be unjust for you to allow yourself just die like that. Like the story of the lady who left a note behind but did not cry for help in her health state until she died. I don't know what you want to tell God if you die like this. Under this condition, you can take time apart.
You can take time apart under the condition of your husband threatening to kill you and you know he is the type that can kill. The truth is, you know the man you are married to. If a Man threatens your life, if he keeps saying I will kill you, you know he is temperamental, and he can kill, please take time apart. This again is because life is involved.
The only condition upon which taking time apart may not be questioned is when life is involved. No sane man will question a time apart in a marriage when life is threatened.
Haven said the above, you must come to grips with the fact that Marriage is for better or worse. For better when things are good e.g. your finance is still ok, you live in a good house, drive good cars, wear good clothes etc. For worse, when he lost his job, when he sold the house, when he cheated, when she cheated, when his or her mind looks far from home ,he has a girl friend or Man friend outside , he has a child outside and you don't know etc whatever it is, hear me, it’s called for better or worse and not for better we stay for worse we part or for worse we take time apart. You did not create that institution so you cannot recreate the rules to suit you.
I know people change after they get married but I know that in many cases people saw a trait of what they changed into before they got married though it may not be all. The truth is, we lie to ourselves and live in self denial all because we must get married. We want to be called Mr and Mrs this and that. For others, they know these things will happen sooner than later but they were willing to go on with the marriage because they thought the man or woman will change. No man will change for you even though we have very few exceptional cases. I cannot begin again to write on the things to majorly consider before getting married because I have written articles which can help you. Refer to my archives on
1. My articles on attraction
2. My articles on falling in love
3. My article on friendship
4 My article on the woman, her Man and his finance.
5. My article on when love is not enough etc
these article will help you. The best marriages are not the ones without problems but the one who together fought their way through it like a team. If the pope is allowed to marry today, he will have issues. No marriage is a bed of roses. We all only enjoy the roses while we manage the thorns. No problem should be strong enough to tear a couple apart or make them want to take time apart (please read my article on friendship again). The idea of time apart can have catastrophic consequences. In fact, that marriage may never recover again. Stick together and work it out so u can walk through it and go past it. A time apart may have helped one or two people in history but it should never be encouraged.
We cannot end here without drawing the boundaries for those we equally said could take time apart. Below are some rules
1. Remember always that you are still a married person
2. Remember that you are separated so that you can take time to pray.
3. You are not allowed to see other men or women (you know what I mean)
4. Adultery is forbidden
5. It is forbidden during the period of separation not to miss your spouse.
6. It is forbidden during the time of separation to want to forget your spouse.
7. You cannot talk to anybody and everybody about it except your spiritual leader or professional counsellor. Remember your marital issues are not for the bill board.
If during the period of separation your spouse got married consult your church, if it appears as though the man or woman does not want you back consult your church. Remember that in the end, you cannot just do whatever you want. My dear, there is something called eternity, it’s called life after here and we all, whether you accept it or not, whether you mock the idea or not must give account. There is nothing wrong with living together and growing old together.My name is joseph ogundare and once again I rep God on this subject. Take it from here.
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