IN THE END,ITS YOUR CALL.

FROM THE EMAIL

Hello Joseph, I do have an issue with taking decisions. I get influenced by others a lot which makes me question my ability to think and decide. Your write up on relationship with strong reference to the one on friendship which you published last challenged me a lot... While I want to thank you for writing this, can you help out on the issue of my inability to take decisions ? I need this because I know it will help me in the area of my relationship also because I am going through a lot.

MY RESPONSE

Train up the child in the way he should go and when he grows up he will not depart from it are words from the bible and I love that statement as it speaks Loud volume.
I have argued some where (check my article on the mistake parent call training in my archive) that what ever a child eventually turns out to become is what the parent have directly or indirectly trained that child to become. Let me establish here,  that most of the training children pick up come more from what is not said and done than in what is said and done. Parenting and training are usually seen as the same thing by many but they are not. So what is the difference? While parenting is the act of taking care of the child ( understanding what the child wants and how to make it available), training is the act of showing the child the way to go. So most times while parents are carrying out the act of parenting, they neglect the act of training. How? They do this because some times they feel that as long as they are carrying out parenting, they have indirectly or directly taken care of training. That is why a parent may think that because he or she has made available every thing the child needs, he or she should not be blamed should the child turn out bad. Because of the neglect of this duty, parents usually leave so many empty spaces in the life of their child and in most cases any new thing which comes to the child is immediately adopted. This adoption could be a positive adoption or negative adoption depending on where it is taken from or coming from. So parents should know that it is up to them what the child becomes. Your millions as a parent can buy your child the goodies of life, note that it does not guarantee you the fact that it will make that child a good product. When I questioned that writer, I found out that her childhood had a bit of defect. The defect is that her parent made almost all her decisions for her. Even when she was in the university, she would call the mother or father before taking decisions. While this may have some advantages, its disadvantages is worse. 

I like to say this, no one is

FRIENDSHIP: the key to a sustainable relationship and marriage, the rythym to a danceable one.

Today, my attention is turned to the third part of this trilogy,the one I call(ed) FRIENDSHIP. Many times and on many occasions we have been asked and we have also asked ourselves this question,  Who is my friend? Or who is a friend? Or who is your friend?  In writing, I try not to make definition an issue. However, as I write, I know that individuals will see the picture as I describe or analyze whatever subject I write on. In describing also, I try not to take the individual to the world of forms as pragmatism clearly defines and describes my style. As people read, they don't necessarily need the platonic contemplative style rather, helping them to see what works in practice will help. The topic on friendship, however deep it may be will be approached from this angle as it is no rocket science.  

Let me take us back to one of my most beautiful part of scripture. I will not quote directly but I will paraphrase.  As  I do this,  I sincerely hope you will be able to relate to it. Am picking something here which relates to one of my most respected being in the old testament the Man called Abraham. Abraham knew God because he was from amongst the  people of God. However, Abraham was one person in the scripture that was called the friend of God, a title or position which was not common to all. He was not only called a child of God or a follower of God, but he was called the friend of God. Why is his being called the friend of God that

BEING IN LOVE: THE WORD,THE LIFE ,THE EFFECT.CONCLUSION

Some one did ask me this question, do I have to wait till sundays before I read from your blog? My answer is simple, my sincere apologies as this blog is not about entertainment gist or gossip ( most people like gossip that I know) but about serious home and self building issues. The topics I write on would have to reflect a product of deep contemplation for it to drive home the message. So, my sincere apologies if the delay affected you too.

Just a brief recap before we pull this brief piece through. We are dealing with a three way issue here. I stated from the first write up that there are three angles to a sustainable marriage or relationship. As stated they include;
1. Attraction
2. Love
3. Friendship.

We have dealt with the issue of attraction which we wrote on in two parts with the main message established being that attraction is important but not a sufficient condition for a sustainable relationship or marriage ( refer to the archive to read about them). We later moved to love. In writing about Love I decided to be particular by not talking about love in the general sense but in the particular. Based on that, I decided to write on falling in love. I established the three ingredients one  needs when we  fall in love. This ingredient  include; the word, the life and the effect of falling in love. We shall conclude here on the issue of falling in love by looking at the effect of falling in love. ( Refer to my  archive to read on the word and the life of falling in love). These therefore is the second aspect of our trilogy and the third note on this second aspect. We call it the effect of falling in love.

When we get to that point where we say I speak the word in love and I have life in my

BEING IN LOVE: THE WORD,THE LIFE ,THE EFFECT.THE BODY

Am not writing this for want of nothing to write but because the world is allowing a lot and we are beginning to allow hollywood and nollywood determine for us how we run our relationship and marriages. I want us to remember that hollywood and nollywood did not create this institution. Society is getting  worse because of broken relationship or broken marriages. Don't forget, you only have one life to get it right. Take a look around you, all those who have gone, none have returned. Its just one life. As you read this second part of the other aspect of this trilogy, my question to you is, when the world look at your relationship or marriage, can we hear the word? Can we see the life? Does it have any positive effect on us? Ponder on this while you digest this.However Note-This will be a bit lengthy, kindly digest with patience.

Love is  beautiful  and to fall in love is a very strong thing. Some times it pays to love, but at other times, it hurts instead. For many, they have been lucky with love. Many however have not been so lucky. Why? Either because they gave their heart to some one very cruel, some one inhuman or some one heartless.  One can even make bold to say that  it may be some one who is far less deserving of being  called a human being. In many cases, the reason for this kind of love and bad impression may just  be born out of the mere stupidity of the person concerned. Love they say is a beautiful thing but why does it have to cause so much pain? Ok may be am beginning to ask questions like that ignorant man. Is love the cause? Oh Its not love that  should be blamed but the one who used it wrongly. I should blame the one who did not understand it. I should blame the one who saw the signs but ignored it in the name of' I love him' or' I love her' Why? Because like they say, the one you chose to love is your choice so blame no one for it if it turns the other side to you. Many have said the negativity we see in

BEING IN LOVE: THE WORD,THE LIFE ,THE EFFECT. AN INTRODUCTION.

Being attracted to some one is not enough, the two must fall in love. I can be attracted to you and not be in love with you. To say I love you and I am in love with you are two different things. One is general while the other is particular. You can love any one and every one but being in love means being connected to that one person. I am not addressing the general here but the particular. I am looking at that thing connected by the chemistry two hearts feel. Some one may argue, is it impossible to be in love with more than one person? That is an issue clearly for another day. Haven said that I say welcome to the second part of this trilogy. In this second part we shall turn our search light on the all important topic- Love. One word bigger in meaning than any human definition can capture. Many are afraid to dig into it. Many who have could not completely capture it. If I don't completely capture it don't be disappointed. To even judge what ever is written on this will suppose you know what completely captures it. No man knows what completely captures it however we know enough to give us a human angle to the direction we should take. Once again, welcome to the second aspect of this trilogy
The word love, will compete amongst the most used words in the  world but yet will remain one of the most abused words as it has on so many occasion and so places been  misused , misrepresented, misinterpreted, misapplied and completely misunderstood. The word has been used to bless as well as curse. The word has helped many and equally been used to lead many astray. Many have been admitted because of the word and even many have committed suicide because

ATRRACTION: IMPORTANT,NECESSARY BUT NOT SUFFICIENT PART 2

I ended the first part of this trilogy with the statement quoted below;

" In part two, we will try to consider briefly why physical attraction some times fail and how              we can help to ensure that we keep it oiled so it does not fail"

That is what we shall attempt to do in this part. Don't forget its a trilogy but at the moment, we are looking only at the first part which is attraction. On attraction, we have given a description in part one, this is the second part on attraction and the statement quoted above is what we shall consider. Let me make it abundantly clear that what ever is written on this blog is a product of my reflection, counseling sessions, interactions and time with people. They are not based on any external research and it merely adds what I write to what ever has been written on them already. 

Attraction, we have said is important and necessary but insufficient. Allow me to clear that part. I do not by that statement mean that you can survive in a relationship without attraction. Attraction is key to the survival of any relationship or marriage and its very central role can never be down played to the background for any attempt to do such would amount to putting that marriage or relationship at the mercy of what will kill it. When attraction become missing in a marriage or relationship watch out. That relationship or marriage may never survive. Most times when people no longer feel them selves in a relationship, one of the fundamental things friends, counselors, family members should look at is the arena called attraction. This is because when this area fail, there is not much you can do except to talk and pray that it returns. Only this time, both of them will have to make a conscious effort to make happen some thing they once enjoyed without having to struggle. 

A lady, during our chat once said, each time my husband is making love to me, the only way I enjoy it is that I always imagine

ATRRACTION: IMPORTANT,NECESSARY BUT NOT SUFFICIENT (1)

There are three pillars on which every marriage stand. They include;

1. Physical Attraction
2. True Love
3. Friendship.
Every thing we write on relationship is tied to this three. I must be attracted to you before I can fall in love with you. If I don't fall in love with you, I cannot make you my friend. Most men are in love with their partners  or their wives but they have failed to make them their friend vice versa.  It is in friendship that we open our all to our selves because at that point, there is nothing to hide. My friend is the one I can trust with my all and open my all to. The truth is that,  most of the people we call friends  are so called for lack of a better word. The fact that we are close does not make you my friend.  we  Remember, Abraham got attracted to his God, he fell in love with him and eventually that God made it bigger by making him His friend that is why Abraham was called the friend of God. Friendship is deeper and commits all. We shall look at this in the course of this series.  What ever it is, some may say you need to pray also but if I love you, I will pray for you. Every thing you want to look at in relationship and marriage hangs on those three and we shall look at them differently beginning with attraction. 

In many marriages you will find one or two or three of this factors. Most celebrity marriages hangs on only the first one that is why they never last. In a solid marriage the three must be present the most important being friendship because there can be no friendship without love. Love is not enough because I can claim to love you or be in love with you but yet you are not my friend. Because you are not my friend, I cannot open myself to you. So, if friendship is real because love is the basis I will remain genuinely attracted to you. Let us consider this three road journey by attempting to describe attraction.

We all can relate to the fact that what draws us to the opposite sex the first time is

THE LADY:HER MAN AND HIS FINANCE.

you mean we are broke?

One of the major factors  I have seen and considered  a major marriage breaker is the issue of money. Money not because the woman married a man who is broke or does not have money, but because the man, after the wedding survived only a few months or may be two years before he turned out broke. A tale that in most cases is never pleasing to the ear because many keep making the same mistake many made. The most stupid man is the one who made the same mistake he saw others make. That's because he never got the message. The best way to learn is to see what happened to others. The mistake they made, the steps they took and how they survived it. You know why we must do this? Because if that same thing or some thing similar happens to you it may kill you. This is because your state of health, mental disposition and other things that make up this being-you may not have enough shock absorber to contain it at that time. This is why you see a healthy man yesterday or some one you thought was healthy but the next ten minutes you hear he is dead. A dead man has no lesson to learn in the grave. 

We live in a generation where so many things appear very attractive to the eye  yet we fail to understand that it is not all attractive things that we need. It is not every thing that is pleasing to the eyes that should be appealing to your pocket. I like to say this as much as you do your heart, please guide your pocket and bank account with all diligence for in them come what you will need to bless today and secure tomorrow. God takes care of our tomorrow not with our carelessness and foolishness but with our diligence. Our God is a God of wisdom, so those who claim to know him must operate with that same wisdom. I say this so you don't go all spiritual to excuse your stupidity claiming God will take care of        tomorrow. If He has given you the resources to secure tomorrow today and you waste it, you may have to go a longer journey to make it right and that is because I know He shows mercy if not you are doomed.In this generation, I have seen where the woman is blamed for

THE AFRICAN MAN AND HIS PERCEPTIONS: DO MEN STILL THINK THIS WAY?

The average african man has a lot of perception about what the 'concept woman' and 'being a woman' stand for. Quite a number have battled with so many perceptions. This perceptions are many but  I will attempt to explore some here. However, as you look at them or into them on your own, you may find much more. The average African man believes the woman as his wife is no guarantee for equality in the home. You will agree with me that most times when the african man talks, he refers to the house they both live as 'my house' and not our house. Of course he is the man.  You and I may agree that we live in this age where the woman also  believe that in the home, the rights and privileges should be fifty/ fifty. Why not? Is she not a major contributor to the home? In today's world, the woman contributes as much as the man in most home and in some, she is the bread winner a situation that is far from normal and goes against the way nature intends things to be. But for the economy and difficult life situation  due to leadership waste and mismanagement issues like this have come to stay in some homes. However, there are  african men who will never allow the woman contribute a dime in the home because they don't want any woman claiming equal right with them. For this men, there can only be one captain and that is them. According to this men, equality should not even exist in the imagination of the woman let alone in the home. Whether this is true or not, I will not make an issue here as that will stand for another day. However, I will leave you to ponder on that. Is the man and the woman equal in a marriage?  do men still think this way?Another perception the average African man has about the woman is that the woman is an object and a tool. Did I just say that? Yes I just did. A man once told the wife right in my presence  during a disagreement 'I bought you with my money, so you must listen to me' I was shock to my bone marrow. The only question I could ask my self is, joseph what are you doing here? I was actually there because some one recommended me to them since the were having some issues which seemed irreconcilable according to them.  For this kind of man, he bought the woman when he  paid the bride prize. For this kind of man, the woman is a tool to be used. She is seen as an object. I am referring to a very educated woman with

THE JOURNEY OF LIFE: A CASE FOR KNOWLEDGE AND FRIENDSHIP.

Some one has argued that where you get to in life is dependent on two factors. These factors include;

1. The kind of books you read

2. The kind of friends you keep.

The kind of books you read because they will stir up your knowledge, Keep you informed, Provide for you inspiration to guide you. A man without information can only be said to be a deformed man. Even God said my people perish for lack of knowledge. Knowledge is power. Information is true education and who ever fails to acknowledge the place of education should himself try ignorance. Information is power and a man with power can do and undo. Knowledge is key to resolving lives issues. If you lack knowledge, you are truly deformed. Some one has argued that if you want to hide something from the Nigeria Man, put it inside a book. Most people don't read. Little wonder it is said that the man who does not read has no advantage over the man who can not read. This is because,  what is the use of the ability to read if you don't read books? Of what use is that ability to you? The difference between you and that man who has gone ahead is knowledge. He knows what you don't know and so he can see what you don't see. Of course, many  are the eyes that look but few, in fact very few are the ones that see. The only man who can see is the one with the knowledge of what is seen. How many opportunity pass you by on a daily basis because you don't see them?  I challenge you to read books and keep reading. If you don't want to buy books, go to the internet and read free books. No knowledge is lost. Knowledge is key. The truth is my generation claim to be too busy to read when the truth is that we are too lazy to read. Many who claim to be busy are not too busy to play games even on their phones for hours. The question to ask is, which book are you currently reading and why?

The second point follows the first. The books will give you the knowledge, but your friends can provide the platform for you to practice that knowledge or simply kill that knowledge for you. The kind of friends you keep is important. There are some friendship you have in your life today that you don't

FAKE LIFE: THE QUEST FOR UN MERITED ATTENTION

We live in a generation where many cry out for attention with fake lives. Many will do any thing just to draw attention to themselves. A number of people will do any thing and every thing just so they can get and gain attention. At a gathering, many will keep telling stories all to impress and gain attention to themselves. Quite a number of them end up living fake lives and I see, like you do,  a lot of this on a daily basis.

Attitude which lead to people living fake lives begin even from the home. Parents lie a lot just to impress their children. For example, a man was in a gathering when some one brought live chiken for sale. People began to show interest and in order not to look like the odd one out, the man  know that if he gets  chicken this week end, it will leave a lot of hole in his  pocket and create trouble for him,  but just because his friend bought chicken for his family, he also decided to buy also. However,  his wife and kids know that for him to have bought that chicken, he did it just to impress. The children grow up with the same mentality which is that of living fake lives just to impress.

 Today many people use blackberry. I don't have an issue with that. What I do have an issue with is when I see one person using three blackberry devices like they are using nokia 3310. Knowing that the blackberry is not just a phone but a device, and that the blackberry is a push email facility by virtue of its main function and not just for making phone calls, I wonder what people do with three blackberry devices if not to impress. People drink and smoke because others are doing it not because they want to. People dress in certain ways because others are doing it. They talk in certain ways also because others are. what will we not see?

A man wants to get married, He has no money for an elaborate wedding but he would rather

TAKING THE BEDROOM TO THE BEER PARLOR OR SALOON: A MARRIAGE KILLER

People marry for different reasons. Some marry for good reasons. Others for bad reason while some marry for the ugliest reasons. Did I say the ugliest reasons? Yes the ugliest. So, in every marriage, we have the good, the bad and the ugly. By now , you should  know where to place yours or that of your brother or even friend based on what you may have seen, head or observed.

Love is sweet especially when it is in its infancy. Every marriage no matter the years of courtship is like a new born baby and must be treated as such. Remember when love is sweet? When you were courting? Or in the early stage? You head stuffs  like Its amazing how you knock me off my feet. Any time you come around me I can't wait. No body ever made me feel this way. I want to know what makes you cry. Those are some lyrics from joe's song.  How many men and women can relate to this feeling while courting or for those who did not court, before they got married. Those days showed that Love is real right? But some how the story is different today in many marriages. Sad right?

People get married and things change over night. Some times, the amazing thing is how very fast this changes take place.  Most times, in marriages love never grow instead it stays stagnant until it begins to die. Why? People  only marry for feelings  and not for love or to take it a step further to friendship. Our relationship will begin with attraction, but it must grow into love and we must build that love to the level of friendship. At the level of friendship, nothing can break it with prayer and God on your side. Why will God not be on your side if you can pray. That is why Abraham was called the friend of God. Friendship is important. Your friend is the one you want to share any thing with. I mean, any thing and every thing. Most relationship and marriages never get here and that accounts for why the divorce rate increases and irreconcilable differences is all we here. Issues will come up in every marriage. couples must learn to communicate but rather than communicate, they create a distance of non communication. In a bit to find some form of external consolation or pity, they  take it to the beer parlor and saloon. Did I just say that? Yes I just did.

It is a case of once upon a time that women gossip. Today, may be men gossip more. Only this time, they call it men talk and not gossip since gossip for such men can only proceed from the lips of a woman. Either way, I sincerely don't have much of an issue with the men talk or women 'gossip' as people are free to discuss what ever they want, when ever they want, where ever they want and however they want. Talk is cheap and people are free to talk because there is no bill attached to it. I do have a problem with some kind of talk though. I refer to those talk that turns what ought to be a bed room discussion into a beer parlor talk or saloon chat.

Why do people feel comfortable discussing their wife or husband at a beer parlor or saloon? And when you listen to them, they talk uncontrollably. For the men, the beer has become the Holy Spirit in them. For the women, the drier or is it the human hair they buy this days. At such places, you never hear talks on business and how to make good money or grow their life. Rather ,you hear talks that drag their partners down in the presence of people. Some times men will talk to the point were they tell friends, in an open beer parlor that they can't make love to their wife because 'that place' is now too wide. They claim not to feel it any more .They say stuffs like, she can't  cook well, she does not look attractive any more, her tommy is now too big, she now ties rapper all the time, she's  no longer a chick but mama, even her pant smells etc. Don't  those things sound disgusting to you? Things that ought not to be a public discussion? Some people have lost all sense of dignity and shame.

To add to the above, the women are not left out. They  openly speak also like a pastor vibrating from the pulpit. You hear stuffs like; He no longer come home early. His clothes are always smelling. He snores like a goat. He is not good in bed any more. He is always broke. During love making, I never come. He does not even last during love making. His duty is to shout all the time etc this talk go on and on and people are listening and laughing. Why will that marriage last?

Men and woman bring to the beer parlor and saloon issues they should trash in their bed room and not even in their seating room let alone a beer parlor, club or saloon. They talk   about this things with reckless abandon thinking that those they are talking to are sympathizers or that they look at them with respect for being the Man or the woman. I wish you knew because They are not and can never be. In most cases, they laugh at you. Yes, they laugh at you. They mock you on the inside and mock you also in your absence. They call you foolish and senseless for acting and talking like a child. The difference is, you never get to hear it. Those you tell such story today will mock you with them tomorrow.

Hey, keep issues about your home in your home and Not the beer parlor or saloon. Remember this is the woman or man you once professed love to.  I hear some of you even say things like; God punish love!  abi na love I go chop? To people who behave in this manner I say this, most times when you tell a child to grow up, you are the one who truly need to grow up. Communication must be kept open in the home. Don't discuss your spouse outside. Remember that when the day of pain come, the only one who is always truly there is that one whom you make a topic of derogatory discussion at the beer parlor or that saloon. Wise people learn from the mistake of others and not until it happens to them. The wise also know when a word is enough. I will let you take it from here.

IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES: A CELEBRITY 'GOSPEL'

The idea of being termed a celebrity presupposes the fact that you have affected lives by what you do either by way of being a musician, actor, sport man or woman etc and not otherwise.

Again, the idea places on you some  level of social or societal responsibility which makes you a role model in society. Little wonder you become a headliner once any of the gossip magazines discover any thing about you especially When it appears as some thing negative.

Being a celebrity also means you are seen as one who sets standard. Little wonder you begin to find individuals who want to walk like you, talk like you, make your kind of hair, dress like you, look like you, or even eat like you.

In a way therefore, while the celebrity is out there doing his own thing, enjoying his or her own life, society always fail to separate their professional life from their personal life. This is why people get disappointed when they do the unexpected placing on them the tag 'invincible' when they are not.

I love celebrities and I do not have any issue or issues with them maintaining their personal lives. Where I do have issues is when a celebrity wants to make what should be a personal issue a public one.  Or come to the public  and glorify failure with pride.

One wonders what goes through the mind of many of them  before they get married. Is the expression of physical passion all they see. Is that why they marry? Today, they marry and divorce like a reverend fathers who changes wears after celebrating the mass. They walk in and out of marriages as if they created that institution and they can recreate it however they like and when ever they like. Many live very stupid life styles. Life styles they ought to be very ashamed of.

The rate of divorce in the celebrity circle is indeed very alarming and this is robbing off on society as many have followed in their footsteps. People now divorce over the flimsiest of excuses. This excuses include;

* We no longer like each other
* we disagree on so many things
* he or she is selfish
* I am no longer attracted to her
* we can no longer cope
* she does not want babies and I do
* He is never at home
* he lies too much.
* he drinks alcohol too much
* I asked him to choose between me and his female friends
* we are like two captains flying these plane
* we discovered that we belong to two separate world.
* he is too proud
* we are no longer compatible.
The list is endless.

When a being takes a marriage vow, they say its for better for worse. For better for worse because marriage is not all about being together only when things are better. Its not only when you agree. The best of marriages are not those ones without issues. In truth, if you don't face issues in your marriage, it only means both of you are merely pretending. Every marriage will go through its own fire so that it can be purified. Gold does not become what it is today by being thrown into water. Every marriage will have its own deep water to pass through. Stop killing the issues you would have turned into a testimony on the altar of pride, greed, self and lose of focus only to call it irreconcilable differences. What is irreconcilable about it? If you have failed, please say I failed. Why will issues be irreconcilable when forgiveness is one of the hallmark of a successful marriage. Its not like you discovered after marriage that the guy is impotent!

The Americans should come and learn from Africans. The Africans who are importing this stupid divorce culture here should concentrate their energy on making our world better and not destroy it. When two elephants fight, only the grass suffer. The children are in most cases the victims of this shameful act. They will be with mother from monday to friday in new york, then visit their father saturday to sunday in new jersey.
The same thing applies all over. The children become in many cases product of negativity because of failed marriages. When will humanity learn?

My challenge to my generation is simple,  look at those celebrities who made their marriages work and not those who preach the 'gospel' of irreconcilable differences. Olu jacob is still married to joke sylva. The man does not even care if she still answers her fathers name in public. Many abound like that across the country. Learn from them. Look at the bright side of life. Pick the good things and not the negatives from our celebrities. I do not believe in irreconcilable differences as every divorce is at bottom the out come of pride, greed, selfishness and poor sense of judgment.

It pays not to begin a journey you cannot end. Love is patient, kind, forgiving, does not keep a record of wrongs, its not proud. If you know this, what will be irreconcilable about your differences. People should bury their head in shame rather than glorify evil. Divorce is evil. Its consequences are damaging. Marry for the right reasons and stop making your failure a model for society.

You can take it from here.

SEE BELOW FOR THE TWITTER ACCOUNT CHAT OF THE COUPLE WITH THE WORLDS LONGEST MARRIAGE..YOU CAN DO IT


World's Longest Married Couple Has the Secret to Lasting Love

Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher
Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher have had what may very well be the best reason to be on the books at Guinness World Records: The North Carolina couple went down in history for having the longest marriage. For 86 years, 9 months, and 16 days. That’s eighty and a six. Years. That’s a lot of laundry, dinners, dishes, and—goodness gracious—bills. A lot of learning how to kiss and make up and enjoy each other and be a partner. Granted, they got hitched back in 1924, when folks stayed together out of a sense of duty as much as they did for love. But what an inspiration, particularly because there are more folks treating divorce as flippantly as a high school breakup than there should be.

Mr. Fisher passed away in February at a remarkable 104 years old, leaving his 101-year-old wife for the first time in almost nine decades. But the precious pair with the priceless story shared some relationship advice for their admirers and marathon marriage wannabes to mill over. On Valentine’s Day a few years ago, they took to their Twitter page (yes, they have a Twitter page) to share their secret for building a long marriage.

More from The Stir: How to Keep Your Marriage Strong at Every Age

The secret is there is none, according to them. No a-ha discovery. You just have to be invested in it and make it work the way you need to make it work. Here’s a little of what they said:

What made you realize that you could spend the rest of your lives together? Were you scared at all?

H&Z: With each day that passed, our relationship was more solid and secure. Divorce was NEVER an option—or even a thought.

What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?

Zelmyra: Mine was just around the corner! He is never too far away, so keep the faith—when you meet him, you’ll know.

What are the most important attributes of a good spouse?

Zelmyra: A hard worker & good provider. The 1920s were hard, but Herbert wanted & provided the best for us. I married a good man!

At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?

H&Z: Remember marriage is not a contest—never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.

Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?

H&Z: The children are grown, so we talk more now. We can enjoy our time on the porch or our rocking chairs together.

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But above all else, they said, you have to be willing to stick it out. Well, that’s obvious. I’m pretty sure Mr. Herbert plucked Ms. Zelmyra’s nerves somewhere along the line just as much as I’m certain that Ms. Zelmyra rubbed Mr. Herbert the wrong way in 86 years. That’s a mighty long time to know a person, much less to grow and cohabitate with them. But 5 kids, 10 grandkids, 9 great-grands, and one great-great grand later, they made it work and stick. That’s the program I’m trying to be on. So along with my grandparents, Wayman and Mildred Harris, my pastors, Revs. Harold and Kellie Hayes, and Cliff and Claire Huxtable, I’m adding the Fishers to my inspiration list.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how different couples operate their love, how they make it last, how they grow together, even through life’s changes and challenges. Last year, I interviewed Niecey Nash (who is cute as a button, by the way) before she strolled down the aisle, and she had one of the best pre-nuptial ideas I’ve ever heard. Instead of having the standard bachelor/bachelorette shindigs—and probably all of the drama that goes along with them—she and her fiancé decided to host a dinner party with couples who had been married 20, 30, 40 years.

I let her know, at the end of our conversation, that I would be stealing that idea when it comes time for me to be a bride. I’m willing to sit at the feet of any older person. They’re so full of hard-earned wisdom, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Which couples in your life give you relationship inspiration?

CULLED FROM the stir.cafe mom.com