DONT DENY YOURSELF THE JOY OF BEING SINGLE BECAUSE OF YOUR DESIRE FOR MARRIAGE

Marriage is a beautiful thing and I will say that anytime and any day. One of the best thing that can happen to a being is to be married to a partner who makes life worth living. Those partners make the home your theatre and your Paradise. They give you a reason to look forward to coming home after a very hard day's job. Have you ever noticed some men don't look forward to going home after a hard day's work? They would rather hang out with the boys all in a bid to soak themselves with alcohol so that when they get home, they will just take a shower and go to bed. Its called escapism. They don't find life in their marriage anymore. Marriage to some of these men appears mechanical, unattractive, unfashionable ,uninteresting , unlovely , and they would rather sleep at the beer parlour than go home. This is only an exception,marriage is a beautiful thing.

A young man did ask, how come those inside a marriage want to come out while those outside want to go in? Call it the irony of life. A successful marriage anytime ,any day is the result of hard work, compromise, understanding, deep affection, forgiveness, lots of prayers and above all, Gods grace. In a marriage, what you put into it is what you get. If you want an Angel, make your home a heaven because Angels don't live in hell. However heavenly or hellish some marriages may be, many deny themselves the joy of single life just because they feel they ought to have gotten married. They compare themselves with friends their age who are already married. They wake up on a very beautiful day and choose to make themselves sad because they are still single. They even make others their enemies because of it. They act in this way so much so that you ask yourself, is it a curse to be single?

I will share with you why you should learn to appreciate your single life rather than deny yourself a life that you may never have again once married .

1. A single being is a single being

When you are single, you are not under any oath. It means you are single. You are not answerable to a partner because of the oath of marriage. Its not two have become one, you are single. Can you feel it?

2. A single being can go and come as he or she pleases

The freedom to go and come as you please rest with being a single. You cannot do that in a marriage without carrying your partner along. Marriage is about two people not one.

3. A single being can move around the world as he pleases

Sometimes when you get a job in another state or country, you will consider a whole lot before taking it if you are married. If you are single however, this may not be the

The Seventy Times Seven Principle As key to a robust & Long Lasting Marriage.

Marriages and Relationship in the twenty first century easily break up due to claims of irreconcilable differences . irreconcilable because the two party involved feel they have tried enough and are tired of trying. Who can blame them? In most cases, you will hear one of the couple say, I have done my very best. Or have they?

Have you ever been privileged to be in a room with two supposed very angry couples. I refer to two couples who once proclaimed love for each other. Perhaps travelled round the world together and walked the streets of life hand in hand. You sometimes need to feel the anger, the rage, the turned face, the use of negative words and expression that make you wonder if these two were forced on themselves. At other times, they threatened to beat up each other. I have heard were a man told the wife in the course of a session that he bought her with his money. This is the same woman he once professed love for. Sometimes you want to ask, what went wrong? A lot perhaps!

The little issues which latter become big and unmanageable amongst couples are in most cases issues that could have been resolved if they had attended to it when it all began and nipped it in the board. But rather than do this ,couples allow the issues to degenerate into issues which according to them becomes unforgivable. You will hear words like , I can never forgive him till I die. At other times you will hear expressions like, if I forgive you, make God no open heaven for me. As if those who refuse to forgive have a place in heaven.

Why do couples find it very difficult to forgive one another ;

1. They may never really love each other : Sometimes, when people claimed to be in love, truth is, they really never knew what love was. Being attracted to someone does not translate to being in love. Being in Love is being  Patient and kind. That Love forgives and does not keep a record of wrong. That's what love is. Being in Love is not the same thing as the chemistry you both claim to feel because love is deeper than chemistry. Couples fail to forgive because their love for one another was really never pure.

2. They may be filled with pride :
Some one said the average human being is full of pride their financial situation not withstanding. So many couples are more proud and full of self than they are in love. Its about me, myself and I.  When issues come up in that marriage, they are always looking for who will apologies first. Apology is strange to them. Perhaps they grew up with a parent who never said ,am sorry. Gradually, a small issue graduates into an uncontrollable one. How does one claim he is in love yet cannot let go of trivial issues instead allow pride speak every form of languages into their soul. Pride is one reason u forgiveness is hard in a relationship or marriage. Being the man does not stop you from saying sorry but pride won't let you because you are the man. Put yourself in the shoes of your spouse. In other cases a lady may refuse to apologies because as far as she is concerned, her father sponsored their wedding and also gave her husband the job he has, so what the hell! Why should she say sorry to a man whose life is dependent on her and her family. Pride!

3. They may be talking to the wrong person :
When a people in a relationship or marriage have issues and go discussing with friends who end up giving them the wrong advice, how will they ever be able to forgive one another. In most cases, some friends only tell you things you they want you to hear because they want to remain your friend not things they know to be true. There are great friends, however more often than not, people never approach them in times of trouble. Instead,  they go to the ones who speak only the language they want to hear. This factor has made forgiveness very hard also.

4. They may never truly understand the healing power of forgiveness :  When you are in a relationship or marriage yet refuse to forgive one another , you deny yourself a beautiful experience. When couples forgive each other in their relationship, they grow to another level. To refuse to forgive your partner is to hold them down. To hold them down, you must stay down too. Those who forgive sleep peacefully and sleep without fear. When a couple truly forgive one another, love grows, the relationship grows and respect for one another deepens . unforgiving couple  harm their own life and health. To forgive your partner is to be ready to fly like a bird. Don't deny your relationship the healing which forgiveness brings . Even in the worst case of abuse, though you should leave the home, yet you are expected to forgive. Don't get me wrong, in the case of Abuse, though you must forgive. You should only move back after resolution and promise that it won't repeat itself.

5. They may already have entered into another relationship : Most times when a couple find it difficult to forgive one another, they are already finding succour in the hands of another partner. Based on that ,feeling may have gone on a very long journey thereby making forgiveness impossible. Need I more?

6. They may already have become tired of one another : When the reason for getting married or being in a relationship is attraction only, when I say attraction I mean everything physical including sex. This usually will not be able to withstand the storm when crisis come. Marriage is beyond attraction. There is love and there is friendship. Attraction alone usually never takes you to marriage promise land . You must love one another and this love must grow into the very best of friendships. A couple will find it hard forgive in the absence of this.

7. They may be talking to Friends who have no real solution ; One very wrong advice from a wrong friend is bad enough to redefine your marriage or relationship anti clockwise. When you allow the advice of a bad friend whom you trust so much speak in your marriage or relationship, get ready because forgiveness will be hard or impossible.

8. Their status make them feel too big to let go: When one of the couple is very rich or has a celebrity status, they feel that the other partner cannot do without them. In that light, when issues come up in the marriage or relationship, they find it difficult to apologies. This lack of apology then becomes the basis for lingered crisis and un forgiveness. In their mind and pride, the offence is too grievous to forgive .

The above are some of the reason why people refuse to forgive when issues come up in a marriage. However, Marriage and forgiveness are like the two sides of a coin in a marriage. There is no marriage without forgiveness. A successful marriage is all about two partners forgiving each other daily.  Jesus said ,seventy times seven in one day. Its a language which says, forgiveness in a marriage must be endless because I don't see anyone offending you seventy times seven times daily. Therefore, when you think about your spouse ,no matter what they have done to offend you or hurt your pride,just do what the bible says. I usually will tell people, even if you hate Christians, just read their bible. Read the bible  because , it will give u a guide for life. Now back to the issue , instead of keeping bad records against your spouse, In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Those are the things you should always think about your spouse . Forgiving your spouse is possible only if you are willing to

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Joseph OGUNDARE
is a Professional relationship Counsellor & teacher. He is also a business Man, business strategist & public speaker . You can contact him on joeonfrc@gmail.com.

DON'T GET MARRIED IF...

The institution of marriage clearly states that marriage is for better for worse. No matter how much you have that line turned around today, that line was made long before all of us currently living were born and I am sure that you don't need a genius to tell you why that line had to come in. It added for richer ,for poorer. In sickness and in health . until death do us part. O my God until death do us part? Its a vow many take on the Altar without studying. A wow they take without understanding. A vow they take on the altar of excitement rather than reasoning. I mean, its called love. I have read lines like when love hits you, you will lose control. They tell you its a chemistry you cannot explain. So, when it does hit you, nothing really matters . you are ready to deny your father ,mother,brother,sister, best friends etc when they oppose that love. Sometimes, some are even ready to abandon a lucrative career because of love. No wonder or little wonder they said and still say that Love is a beautiful thing . yes ,love is a beautiful thing but it can only become a beautiful thing if we know what Love really means. People say love is a feeling. Others say love is like a chemistry you cannot explain. When people are in love and you ask them to tell you why they think they are in love, everything they tell you can be placed on the altar of attraction and nothing more. Love is beyond feeling and love is beyond attraction. However, today's write up is not about describing love, its about pointing out a few things. These factors are critical ,so don't get married if....

1. You cannot forgive Seventy times seven times daily - Marriage is ultimately about two people from different homes coming together. Conflict and disagreement will be normal. In marriage ,there is nothing like irreconcilable differences except in cases where life is threatened. Marriage is not just about daily forgiveness, its about moment by moment forgiveness. If you are not ready to live such a life, don't follow that route.

2. You cannot forgive your partner when they cheat on you - Like I said ,marriage is about moment by moment forgiveness. One of the worse things that can happen in a marriage is your partner cheating on you. What can be worse than this? I am not saying you are allowed to cheat on your partner, pls don't get me wrong. I am also not encouraging you to cheat on your spouse. However, I will ask you to consider the vows you take very well. It did not say until Adultery do you part. It says until death do you part. What that means is that not even Adultery allows you the liberty to break your marriage. If you are not willing to forgive a cheating partner, don't get married. I pray you never experience these just the way I pray never to experience it . This is simply to let you know that marital vows are deeper than Adultery.

3. You are hoping that your partner will change - if a man or woman promises to change because of you, be careful. While I am not saying people cannot change , I am saying be careful. It is difficult for a human being to change his or her way of life because of another human being. Its not about today, its about tomorrows trials. People may pretend,but eventually their character will show up. Character must be tested. Accept people for who they are hoping to keep accepting them whether they change or not. Its up to you to decide from the beginning if you are willing to live with what you saw ( see) or not.

4. You are doing so just to get the respect of people - This will

Your Marriage Plan vs Parental rejection-My take, an opinion!

Love is a strong and very beautiful thing. When you see two hearts in love, you will love love. The truth about love some times is that you can never tell where it's leading you. Some times, it takes you to that person whom you thought in your wildest dream,you would never have married. This things happen. Most times,you have no choice because like many will argue, if the desireable is not available, the available becomes desirable. Funny right? But what can you do? Stay in your high heavens and reject love or come down from your high horse and embrace love. In most cases,this issue bother on class, personality, physical attribute, tribe or may be some times, extreme desire to seek materialism. Its one thing to say to your self ,he is not my type but I love him. Yet another thing for you to fight parental objections and rejection. It can be frustrating, tiring and tasking. I say so because when you have to take on your parent on rejection, it's one 'war' you don't want to fight.

There are several reasons why parents reject our choice of future partner, and they will always hide under that adage, what an adult see seating down, a child cannot see it even if he climbs the highest tree. They say this even when some times they are as blind as you. To add to that, they will remind you of that part of the bible they use as a weapon which says, children obey your parents so that thy days may be long. Indeed, the only commandment with a blessing. But the dilemma comes when you have to choose between obeying your parents and clinging to what makes you happy. It becomes a case of to be or not to be. so the question is asked, when your both parents or one of them reject your choice of a future partner, what will
you do? Or let me rephrase, what

Good girl gone bad

No mail ever threw me off balance like this one. Read on...

Hey Mr Blogger,

Pardon me but you have to endure what I write here. It may be sad, but it's the truth...

When I got married my husband was the best man in the world. Right now, I have my full regret on the day I met him. I curse that day. I curse that day because as I write, I remember the good girl that I was as against the girl that I am now. Like Rihana said, I am that good girl gone bad.

I was once that girl who believed in the sanctity of marriage like a good church worker would. To sleep with another man whether married or single was a sin. I say was because to me its no longer a sin, its called being smart. Its called being on top of your game. Its called being street wise. Today I sleep with them all. Married, engaged,single or whatever. I sleep with the good, the bad, the ugly. The only qualification I need is that thing in between your legs. Once you are sharp with them, am cool with you. I catch my fun and I feed fat with it. I used to

When gadgets take the place of your partner in a marriage and create a gape in a family-time to disconnect.

One comedian did write that the world was in one piece when blackberry and apple were just fruits. I laughed when I first read that just like I know you will if you are reading it for the first time. but in that simple joke lay some fundamental truth for the world of today.
The place of communication and togetherness in a family and marriage cannot be under played. I am sure without saying much, that every one knows the role that communication plays in bringing a family together and keeping couples in particular closely knitted. Communication in marriage or relationship is like that oil that keeps the engine running. Kill communication in your marriage, and you would have succeeded in killing that marriage. No matter how you look at it, communication is key for a marriage to be successful.

In today's world however,a lot has come to ensure that the place of real couple and family communication is played down. Couples and family members give excuses to avoid communication. This excuses before now are presented in a thousand and one way. Examples include, I was in a board meeting, I was trying to put an account together, today was a busy day in our office, etc we hide under so many corporate lies. As if that is not enough, when we get home, we continue on our non communication route by being married or being tight friends with our gadgets and games.

The advent of the

WHEN THE MUSIC OF LOVE NO LONGER PLAYS!!!

Today a friend shared a story with me. He talked about a woman, whose husband does not fail to make money available for the upkeep of the house. But as good as he is in providing cash for what ever the house needs, he is never around to spend time with his wife or children. As far as the wife is concerned, she is married to her pillow. Some times he comes home, spend one night, the next day he picks the clothes he will need for another two weeks and he is gone again. She is married but living single. To her, the music of love is playing very loud, but she can't hear it. When people talk about the life they have together with their spouse, hers only exist in her imagination. How many people reading this now can relate with this?
Some one did argue, she said love will play you his song, but you will dance to the different part of that song based on how you feel it. In the end according to her, it is the way you lay your bed that you will lie on. She said that whichever way you want to look at it, every one deserves the spouse that they got. I asked why? Her answer was shocking, she said,  have you ever head the statement love is blind? I said yes. She added, in that answer lies the making and the un making of love in the life of many. What do people mean when they use that statement? What ever they mean, they kill themselves she posited. She told me joseph, many claim to be in love or in a marriage but the truth is, they are not. Many are merely swimming in the ocean of self deception, self confusion, self depression and in the end, death by self. How? I asked.

Listen to her, we live in a generation where people deceive themselves into thinking that their happiness is dependent on their getting married just the way many believe that making money will guarantee their own happiness. Some even feel once they build a good house they will be happy. But you and I know that nothing made by the hand of Man guarantees happiness. Nothing external guarantees happiness. Happiness is from within. Joy is from within. That is why those who commit suicide are seen as cowards.
What is the message in this I asked and how does all this relate in any way to the story of the woman above?

Hear this, the truth about many of us women is that

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW-MY RESPONSE PART TWO

3. CONFRONTING YOUR HUSBANDS LOVER

Love is deep and beautiful but when the one you love gives you a reason to think otherwise, and believe otherwise, the mind will think so many things amidst the broken heart which is still experiencing pain. In the midst of the pain we experience in love, we are bound to think or allow our mind take a journey around so many things one of which is revenge and confrontation. In our case here, the pain experienced is gradually dragging you into a very dangerous journey or point. A broken heart in most cases never think straight.
Let me put this very straight and make it very simple,

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW-MY RESPONSE PART ONE

Note- before you read this, kindly read the email from Vanessa as this is only a response to her email

My Response

My sincere apologies for not publishing this earlier. I want to thank Vanessa sincerely for the courage with which she wrote this. Let my reader understand the fact that I only published the edited version of her email. The words in the original unedited version of the  email  is PG 18. I edited it and sent it to Vanessa before she allowed me to publish the edited version. Once again, vanessa thank you.

1. KNOW YOUR PARTNER
Now to the issue at hand. I will like to address this email in parts. In this particular response, I will like to commend Vanessa for her sharpness in noticing when things changed especially at the time it did. Most Women never know even in five years. This is what I say all the time, woman know your Man. There is nothing as beautiful as knowing your Man. Knowing your Man will help you snatch your husband out of fire. this I must commend and recommend to all. Understand who your Man is. Know who he is and what he does. Know his program without policing him. It is not a sin to know your Man. Like I said, you may be able to snatch your husband out of fire.

2. INVESTIGATING YOUR HUSBAND

Should I commend you for investigating your husband? Your friend said what you don't know cannot kill you, how true is this? So many questions. Let me address your friends

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW...

From my mail

I am a regular follower of your  blog and I must say that you are doing so well. I sincerely wish that you can make it an every day affair or at least,  twice in a week publication because I find your views very revealing and challenging. May God continue to bless you with great wisdom.

I have been married to my husband now for over ten years. In truth, ten years and six months. Before now, our marriage was wonderful because I married the most wonderful man alive at the time I got married. As far as work was concerned, my husband used to come home early. Things  went very well and mine was a very happy home. My husband will hardly come home without buying us suyer or barbecue so every night was a celebration night. Life was wonderful. However things began to change when he was posted from his office at ikeja to another branch in victoria island in Lagos. My husband suddenly started coming home late. He will claim that the work in the new office is more tasking. At first this to me was not an issue as I had no reason to doubt him but this excuse continued for weeks, months and as I write, its been like that for over one and half year. I got curious at some point and decided to investigate the issue. My very good friend advised me against any investigation when I told her about my concern claiming that what you don't know, cannot kill you. She asked me, what if you suddenly find out that your husband was having an affair, what will you do? When she did, the first thing that came out of my mouth was God forbid. And I added, I will kill him and kill myself. Or simply park my things and leave his house with my children. She laughed and said to me, be very careful. Don't do any thing silly but I will still insist that you avoid any form of investigation and  Pray for your husband. Two weeks after that conversation, I became even more curious. I started asking questions. 

Usually i close early from work because I

THE SIGNS THAT NEVER WENT AWAY...

Her Message

I love my husband and he claims to also love me but the issue am about to share with you is making me develop hatred for him. This issue has bothered me for a while now and am hoping you can help me. I attend a church where divorce is near impossible on the grounds for which I want a divorce at least that was the answer I got from my church when I requested. If divorce were possible, I would never have written this instead, I would have taken that option. Even my husband does not want a divorce. My problem with my husband is not new since I saw them all during our courtship. I did see them but I was hoping he will change after our marriage but instead, he has gotten worse. Am sure you are wondering what this issues  are.
Before I got married, I knew my husband was a womanizer. He practically went after every thing in skirt but I still loved him. He had two habits I detested so much. These habits were womanizing and carelessness with money which leaves him broke early in the month because like me, he is a salary earner. He earns a very comfortable salary ( a little above 556k every month) but he gets broke before the end of the month because he spends like his life depends on that spending. I complained before we got married but he promised to change. in fact, he pretended to have changed. Six years into the marriage, the case is worse than before. That does not form the bulk of my worry because

THE QUEST FOR EQUALITY IN MARRIAGES;A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

From My email.

Joseph,

I have a problem I will want you to advise me on. I have a problem in my marriage. I am from the west and my husband is from the east. I have not used my name here and its for a reason. My parent warned me about marrying my husband but I, refused to listen to them since the only reason they objected to the marriage was tribal and I am a very de tribalised person. My parents are not tribal but they had their objection on this one... I have been married for over four years now and before marriage, I mean while we were dating and courting, my husband gave me the impression that we were equal. He treated me like a queen and my opinion counted and mattered. However, five years down the line things have changed so fast and they continue that way every day. One of such areas bothers on equality amongst us. While we contribute together to keep the marriage going, in fact I contribute more financially and my contribution financially goes past his. I earn more than him and I bring over seventy percent financially to the marriage. I never rub this in his face and I have never intended to. However, my husband has changed a lot. He treats me like I don't matter and my opinion count for nothing. He reminds me every day that he is the man of the house. He is always quick to let me know that his decisions are final. My stomach rumble each time this happens but as a faithful wife, I swallow it. Joseph, my patience is running out. As his wife, I believe we are equal and based on this, I want my right respected. I feel like I am losing it. I brought this issue up the other day and it caused a lot of fracas. Kindly help me here because at this point, I feel I want out but for my two children. In fact, his attitude is driving me very far from him in terms of what I feel for him. What should I do? I want my right respected and my place honored because we should be equal. I await your response.

My Response

My sincere thanks to you for this email and I thank you also for allowing me share it. Let me begin by saying that your email left me asking many questions because it left a lot of void unfilled. It speaks your perspective alone and nothing of your husband. I will therefore respond to this only based on what you have written and on the assumption that it is all I need to know. Your mail did not tell me when and how your husband changed. It also did not tell me how both of you operated from the beginning of your marriage. Did you perceive you both as equal based on what obtained at the time? However, the point at which your husband changed, what happened? Did you in any way give him an impression which made him feel you abused the equality you both shared? Did you rub your over seventy percent contribution in his face? Did he request for some thing to be done financially and you objected? What did you do to make him change because his change in this case seems to me like a reaction. Well, these are questions begging for answers.

To the issue on equality, let me establish here that the institution of marriage says that the husband and wife have become one. This is the case with our church marriage but our traditional marriage is silent on this.  By being one, they have become equals. Equal here does not mean fifty fifty but hundred percent for each. It means hundred percent in role and responsibility for the man and hundred percent in role and responsibility for

MY SINCERE APOLOGIES

The author of this blog sends his sincere apologies for the delay in publication, it is due to inconveniences beyond his control. He will publish soon.