Good girl gone bad

No mail ever threw me off balance like this one. Read on...

Hey Mr Blogger,

Pardon me but you have to endure what I write here. It may be sad, but it's the truth...

When I got married my husband was the best man in the world. Right now, I have my full regret on the day I met him. I curse that day. I curse that day because as I write, I remember the good girl that I was as against the girl that I am now. Like Rihana said, I am that good girl gone bad.

I was once that girl who believed in the sanctity of marriage like a good church worker would. To sleep with another man whether married or single was a sin. I say was because to me its no longer a sin, its called being smart. Its called being on top of your game. Its called being street wise. Today I sleep with them all. Married, engaged,single or whatever. I sleep with the good, the bad, the ugly. The only qualification I need is that thing in between your legs. Once you are sharp with them, am cool with you. I catch my fun and I feed fat with it. I used to

When gadgets take the place of your partner in a marriage and create a gape in a family-time to disconnect.

One comedian did write that the world was in one piece when blackberry and apple were just fruits. I laughed when I first read that just like I know you will if you are reading it for the first time. but in that simple joke lay some fundamental truth for the world of today.
The place of communication and togetherness in a family and marriage cannot be under played. I am sure without saying much, that every one knows the role that communication plays in bringing a family together and keeping couples in particular closely knitted. Communication in marriage or relationship is like that oil that keeps the engine running. Kill communication in your marriage, and you would have succeeded in killing that marriage. No matter how you look at it, communication is key for a marriage to be successful.

In today's world however,a lot has come to ensure that the place of real couple and family communication is played down. Couples and family members give excuses to avoid communication. This excuses before now are presented in a thousand and one way. Examples include, I was in a board meeting, I was trying to put an account together, today was a busy day in our office, etc we hide under so many corporate lies. As if that is not enough, when we get home, we continue on our non communication route by being married or being tight friends with our gadgets and games.

The advent of the

WHEN THE MUSIC OF LOVE NO LONGER PLAYS!!!

Today a friend shared a story with me. He talked about a woman, whose husband does not fail to make money available for the upkeep of the house. But as good as he is in providing cash for what ever the house needs, he is never around to spend time with his wife or children. As far as the wife is concerned, she is married to her pillow. Some times he comes home, spend one night, the next day he picks the clothes he will need for another two weeks and he is gone again. She is married but living single. To her, the music of love is playing very loud, but she can't hear it. When people talk about the life they have together with their spouse, hers only exist in her imagination. How many people reading this now can relate with this?
Some one did argue, she said love will play you his song, but you will dance to the different part of that song based on how you feel it. In the end according to her, it is the way you lay your bed that you will lie on. She said that whichever way you want to look at it, every one deserves the spouse that they got. I asked why? Her answer was shocking, she said,  have you ever head the statement love is blind? I said yes. She added, in that answer lies the making and the un making of love in the life of many. What do people mean when they use that statement? What ever they mean, they kill themselves she posited. She told me joseph, many claim to be in love or in a marriage but the truth is, they are not. Many are merely swimming in the ocean of self deception, self confusion, self depression and in the end, death by self. How? I asked.

Listen to her, we live in a generation where people deceive themselves into thinking that their happiness is dependent on their getting married just the way many believe that making money will guarantee their own happiness. Some even feel once they build a good house they will be happy. But you and I know that nothing made by the hand of Man guarantees happiness. Nothing external guarantees happiness. Happiness is from within. Joy is from within. That is why those who commit suicide are seen as cowards.
What is the message in this I asked and how does all this relate in any way to the story of the woman above?

Hear this, the truth about many of us women is that

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW-MY RESPONSE PART TWO

3. CONFRONTING YOUR HUSBANDS LOVER

Love is deep and beautiful but when the one you love gives you a reason to think otherwise, and believe otherwise, the mind will think so many things amidst the broken heart which is still experiencing pain. In the midst of the pain we experience in love, we are bound to think or allow our mind take a journey around so many things one of which is revenge and confrontation. In our case here, the pain experienced is gradually dragging you into a very dangerous journey or point. A broken heart in most cases never think straight.
Let me put this very straight and make it very simple,

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW-MY RESPONSE PART ONE

Note- before you read this, kindly read the email from Vanessa as this is only a response to her email

My Response

My sincere apologies for not publishing this earlier. I want to thank Vanessa sincerely for the courage with which she wrote this. Let my reader understand the fact that I only published the edited version of her email. The words in the original unedited version of the  email  is PG 18. I edited it and sent it to Vanessa before she allowed me to publish the edited version. Once again, vanessa thank you.

1. KNOW YOUR PARTNER
Now to the issue at hand. I will like to address this email in parts. In this particular response, I will like to commend Vanessa for her sharpness in noticing when things changed especially at the time it did. Most Women never know even in five years. This is what I say all the time, woman know your Man. There is nothing as beautiful as knowing your Man. Knowing your Man will help you snatch your husband out of fire. this I must commend and recommend to all. Understand who your Man is. Know who he is and what he does. Know his program without policing him. It is not a sin to know your Man. Like I said, you may be able to snatch your husband out of fire.

2. INVESTIGATING YOUR HUSBAND

Should I commend you for investigating your husband? Your friend said what you don't know cannot kill you, how true is this? So many questions. Let me address your friends

HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT I KNOW...

From my mail

I am a regular follower of your  blog and I must say that you are doing so well. I sincerely wish that you can make it an every day affair or at least,  twice in a week publication because I find your views very revealing and challenging. May God continue to bless you with great wisdom.

I have been married to my husband now for over ten years. In truth, ten years and six months. Before now, our marriage was wonderful because I married the most wonderful man alive at the time I got married. As far as work was concerned, my husband used to come home early. Things  went very well and mine was a very happy home. My husband will hardly come home without buying us suyer or barbecue so every night was a celebration night. Life was wonderful. However things began to change when he was posted from his office at ikeja to another branch in victoria island in Lagos. My husband suddenly started coming home late. He will claim that the work in the new office is more tasking. At first this to me was not an issue as I had no reason to doubt him but this excuse continued for weeks, months and as I write, its been like that for over one and half year. I got curious at some point and decided to investigate the issue. My very good friend advised me against any investigation when I told her about my concern claiming that what you don't know, cannot kill you. She asked me, what if you suddenly find out that your husband was having an affair, what will you do? When she did, the first thing that came out of my mouth was God forbid. And I added, I will kill him and kill myself. Or simply park my things and leave his house with my children. She laughed and said to me, be very careful. Don't do any thing silly but I will still insist that you avoid any form of investigation and  Pray for your husband. Two weeks after that conversation, I became even more curious. I started asking questions. 

Usually i close early from work because I

THE SIGNS THAT NEVER WENT AWAY...

Her Message

I love my husband and he claims to also love me but the issue am about to share with you is making me develop hatred for him. This issue has bothered me for a while now and am hoping you can help me. I attend a church where divorce is near impossible on the grounds for which I want a divorce at least that was the answer I got from my church when I requested. If divorce were possible, I would never have written this instead, I would have taken that option. Even my husband does not want a divorce. My problem with my husband is not new since I saw them all during our courtship. I did see them but I was hoping he will change after our marriage but instead, he has gotten worse. Am sure you are wondering what this issues  are.
Before I got married, I knew my husband was a womanizer. He practically went after every thing in skirt but I still loved him. He had two habits I detested so much. These habits were womanizing and carelessness with money which leaves him broke early in the month because like me, he is a salary earner. He earns a very comfortable salary ( a little above 556k every month) but he gets broke before the end of the month because he spends like his life depends on that spending. I complained before we got married but he promised to change. in fact, he pretended to have changed. Six years into the marriage, the case is worse than before. That does not form the bulk of my worry because

THE QUEST FOR EQUALITY IN MARRIAGES;A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

From My email.

Joseph,

I have a problem I will want you to advise me on. I have a problem in my marriage. I am from the west and my husband is from the east. I have not used my name here and its for a reason. My parent warned me about marrying my husband but I, refused to listen to them since the only reason they objected to the marriage was tribal and I am a very de tribalised person. My parents are not tribal but they had their objection on this one... I have been married for over four years now and before marriage, I mean while we were dating and courting, my husband gave me the impression that we were equal. He treated me like a queen and my opinion counted and mattered. However, five years down the line things have changed so fast and they continue that way every day. One of such areas bothers on equality amongst us. While we contribute together to keep the marriage going, in fact I contribute more financially and my contribution financially goes past his. I earn more than him and I bring over seventy percent financially to the marriage. I never rub this in his face and I have never intended to. However, my husband has changed a lot. He treats me like I don't matter and my opinion count for nothing. He reminds me every day that he is the man of the house. He is always quick to let me know that his decisions are final. My stomach rumble each time this happens but as a faithful wife, I swallow it. Joseph, my patience is running out. As his wife, I believe we are equal and based on this, I want my right respected. I feel like I am losing it. I brought this issue up the other day and it caused a lot of fracas. Kindly help me here because at this point, I feel I want out but for my two children. In fact, his attitude is driving me very far from him in terms of what I feel for him. What should I do? I want my right respected and my place honored because we should be equal. I await your response.

My Response

My sincere thanks to you for this email and I thank you also for allowing me share it. Let me begin by saying that your email left me asking many questions because it left a lot of void unfilled. It speaks your perspective alone and nothing of your husband. I will therefore respond to this only based on what you have written and on the assumption that it is all I need to know. Your mail did not tell me when and how your husband changed. It also did not tell me how both of you operated from the beginning of your marriage. Did you perceive you both as equal based on what obtained at the time? However, the point at which your husband changed, what happened? Did you in any way give him an impression which made him feel you abused the equality you both shared? Did you rub your over seventy percent contribution in his face? Did he request for some thing to be done financially and you objected? What did you do to make him change because his change in this case seems to me like a reaction. Well, these are questions begging for answers.

To the issue on equality, let me establish here that the institution of marriage says that the husband and wife have become one. This is the case with our church marriage but our traditional marriage is silent on this.  By being one, they have become equals. Equal here does not mean fifty fifty but hundred percent for each. It means hundred percent in role and responsibility for the man and hundred percent in role and responsibility for

MY SINCERE APOLOGIES

The author of this blog sends his sincere apologies for the delay in publication, it is due to inconveniences beyond his control. He will publish soon.

TIME APART IN A TROUBLED MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP; IS IT NECESSARY?



I have decided to dwell briefly on this topic as usual not bothering myself with any research already done on it but writing based on the way I see it. This topic was the issue being looked at in this week’s sharing life issues program on inspiration fm. someone made a call to the studio and made reference to this blog, my sincere thanks to that person. With that said however, my attention will now turn to this issue. I shall attempt the answer based on the truth I know.

To start with, quite a number of people called into the programme and shared different opinions but one thing I kept hearing from some people goes like this; what I believe is this...this is what I will do etc. Let me establish here that Marriage is not about what you believe or don't believe. You did not create that institution so you cannot recreate the rules. What you should do in your marriage is not based on what you believe. It is not based on what you think. It is not based on what you accept or don't accept. Instead, it is based on what the truth is. Before I go deep into this subject, I will publish for our sake here, some examples of wedding vows taken.

These examples of wedding vows is culled from about.com and used only for the sake of what we write here and nothing more. See below for these examples.

1. Do you (name) take (name) to be your lawful wedded wife/husband? (Each responds, "I do.") Will you love, respect and honour her/him throughout your years together? (Each responds, "I will.")

2. I (name) affirm my love to you, (name) as I invite you to share my life. You are the most beautiful, smart, and generous person I have ever known, and I promise always to respect you. With kindness, unselfishness and trust, I will work by your side to create a wonderful life together. I take you (name) to be my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.

3. (Name), I love you. You are my best friend. Today I give myself to you in marriage. I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.
I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy and when it seems hard,
when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in highest regard. These things I give to you today, and all the days of our life.

4. (Name) do you take (name) to be your lawful wedded wife/husband? (each responds, "I do.") Do you promise to love and cherish her/him, in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her/him, for so long as you both shall live? (each responds, "I do.") Do you together promise in the presence of your friends and family that you will at all times and in all circumstances, conduct yourselves toward one another as becomes Husband and Wife? (Together they respond, "We do.") Do you together promise you will love, cherish and respect one another throughout the years? (Together they respond, "We do.")

5. (Name), I love you. I want to be your husband/wife so that we might serve Christ together. Through all of the uncertainties and trials of life, I promise to be faithful to you and love you, so that together we may grow in the likeness of Christ and that our home may be a praise to Him.


6. (Name), I promise to love and care for you and I will try in every way to be worthy of your love.
I will always be honest with you, kind, patient, and forgiving. But most of all, I promise to be a true and loyal friend to you. I love you.


7. I (name), take you (name), to be my wife/husband, to share the good times and hard times side by side. I humbly give you my hand and my heart as I pledge my faith and love to you. Just as this ring I give you today is a circle without end, my love for you is eternal. Just as it is made of incorruptible substance, my commitment to you will never fail. With this ring, I thee wed."


8. (Name), do you pledge to love (name) and throughout your years together to be honest, faithful, and kind to her/him? Do you pledge to give to her/him the same happiness she/he gives to you, and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be? (each responds, "I do.")


9. (Name), with all my love, I take you to be my wife/husband. I will love you through good and the bad, through joy and the sorrow. I will try to be understanding, and to trust in you completely. Together we will face all of life's experiences and share one another's dreams and goals. I promise I will be your equal partner in an loving, honest relationship, for as long as we both shall live.


10. (Name), I promise to love you, to be your best friend, to respect and support you, to be patient with you, to work together with you to achieve our goals, to accept you unconditionally, and to share life with you throughout the years.


11. (Name), I take you to be my wife/husband from this time onward, to join with you and to share all that is to come, to be your faithful husband/wife, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond; a commitment made in love, kept in faith, and eternally made new.

I have picked quite a lot for our consideration here just to show that we have quite a number of them. However, I have not seen any one which says 'and we shall separate or take time apart whenever we both feel this will be good for us just to help us both re discover the love we have both lost ' or we shall separate or take time apart whenever we feel we are no longer looking compatible or feeling compatible'. No, I fail to see this in any of those marriage vows instead what I see continuously is that commitment to stick together in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer till death do you part. Where then lays the place of a time apart? Is the concept of time apart good? Is it right?

To answer the above, let me say this; can something stand as not right but necessary? If the answer is yes, then we can say that is what we can apply to the above. Going by the idea of marriage vows, no pastor worth his salt (I say this because I know there are pastors who will do whatever you want provided they see money or material gift) will wed you if

IN THE END,ITS YOUR CALL.

FROM THE EMAIL

Hello Joseph, I do have an issue with taking decisions. I get influenced by others a lot which makes me question my ability to think and decide. Your write up on relationship with strong reference to the one on friendship which you published last challenged me a lot... While I want to thank you for writing this, can you help out on the issue of my inability to take decisions ? I need this because I know it will help me in the area of my relationship also because I am going through a lot.

MY RESPONSE

Train up the child in the way he should go and when he grows up he will not depart from it are words from the bible and I love that statement as it speaks Loud volume.
I have argued some where (check my article on the mistake parent call training in my archive) that what ever a child eventually turns out to become is what the parent have directly or indirectly trained that child to become. Let me establish here,  that most of the training children pick up come more from what is not said and done than in what is said and done. Parenting and training are usually seen as the same thing by many but they are not. So what is the difference? While parenting is the act of taking care of the child ( understanding what the child wants and how to make it available), training is the act of showing the child the way to go. So most times while parents are carrying out the act of parenting, they neglect the act of training. How? They do this because some times they feel that as long as they are carrying out parenting, they have indirectly or directly taken care of training. That is why a parent may think that because he or she has made available every thing the child needs, he or she should not be blamed should the child turn out bad. Because of the neglect of this duty, parents usually leave so many empty spaces in the life of their child and in most cases any new thing which comes to the child is immediately adopted. This adoption could be a positive adoption or negative adoption depending on where it is taken from or coming from. So parents should know that it is up to them what the child becomes. Your millions as a parent can buy your child the goodies of life, note that it does not guarantee you the fact that it will make that child a good product. When I questioned that writer, I found out that her childhood had a bit of defect. The defect is that her parent made almost all her decisions for her. Even when she was in the university, she would call the mother or father before taking decisions. While this may have some advantages, its disadvantages is worse. 

I like to say this, no one is

FRIENDSHIP: the key to a sustainable relationship and marriage, the rythym to a danceable one.

Today, my attention is turned to the third part of this trilogy,the one I call(ed) FRIENDSHIP. Many times and on many occasions we have been asked and we have also asked ourselves this question,  Who is my friend? Or who is a friend? Or who is your friend?  In writing, I try not to make definition an issue. However, as I write, I know that individuals will see the picture as I describe or analyze whatever subject I write on. In describing also, I try not to take the individual to the world of forms as pragmatism clearly defines and describes my style. As people read, they don't necessarily need the platonic contemplative style rather, helping them to see what works in practice will help. The topic on friendship, however deep it may be will be approached from this angle as it is no rocket science.  

Let me take us back to one of my most beautiful part of scripture. I will not quote directly but I will paraphrase.  As  I do this,  I sincerely hope you will be able to relate to it. Am picking something here which relates to one of my most respected being in the old testament the Man called Abraham. Abraham knew God because he was from amongst the  people of God. However, Abraham was one person in the scripture that was called the friend of God, a title or position which was not common to all. He was not only called a child of God or a follower of God, but he was called the friend of God. Why is his being called the friend of God that

BEING IN LOVE: THE WORD,THE LIFE ,THE EFFECT.CONCLUSION

Some one did ask me this question, do I have to wait till sundays before I read from your blog? My answer is simple, my sincere apologies as this blog is not about entertainment gist or gossip ( most people like gossip that I know) but about serious home and self building issues. The topics I write on would have to reflect a product of deep contemplation for it to drive home the message. So, my sincere apologies if the delay affected you too.

Just a brief recap before we pull this brief piece through. We are dealing with a three way issue here. I stated from the first write up that there are three angles to a sustainable marriage or relationship. As stated they include;
1. Attraction
2. Love
3. Friendship.

We have dealt with the issue of attraction which we wrote on in two parts with the main message established being that attraction is important but not a sufficient condition for a sustainable relationship or marriage ( refer to the archive to read about them). We later moved to love. In writing about Love I decided to be particular by not talking about love in the general sense but in the particular. Based on that, I decided to write on falling in love. I established the three ingredients one  needs when we  fall in love. This ingredient  include; the word, the life and the effect of falling in love. We shall conclude here on the issue of falling in love by looking at the effect of falling in love. ( Refer to my  archive to read on the word and the life of falling in love). These therefore is the second aspect of our trilogy and the third note on this second aspect. We call it the effect of falling in love.

When we get to that point where we say I speak the word in love and I have life in my